View from Coach B...

If you surrender to the wind, you can ride it.

Toni Morrison

(1931)

Friday again, and another week closer to the first day of my s.s.s.sab.b.atical. Only three working weeks to go now and I'm allowing myself to begin feeling truly excited about it. It's bubbling up and overflowing more and more and I find it hard not to wish the time away or do the occasional little breakout dance as I leave a particularly demotivating meeting thinking, "soon, very soon, I will not have to worry about all this...". I can't deny that I'm pleased to be escaping (and yes, it does feel like an escape) but don't like having to leave colleagues behind to tackle the challenges unsupported and it just feels quite insensitive to be openly looking forward to the date I go. So I keep it in (unless someone asks me directly) and I still have so much to do before I leave my desk behind for a while, that I can't afford to let go of the professional rigour just yet, tempting as it might be. I've been trying really hard to focus on staying present and tying remaining tasks up beautifully, so that I can leave it all neatly done or handed over. I'm starting to accept (or have to acknowledge at least) that there will always be more to do and that there are a couple of things on which I am dependent, and over which I have little or no influence (let alone control) that are looking likely to be delayed beyond my deadline date. This means that one or two items on my list might not be done in time, or not be as far progressed as I had hoped. I don't like this at all but it's the reality of collaborative working sometimes. I'm trying not to let my frustration with these things overshadow the amazing reality of the dream that's about to come true for me. 

Plan B (brave, bold and beautiful) is unfolding... 

A few issues have cropped up that I could do without having to deal with, and that I've not accounted for in the plan at all. This week, for example, I had a problem in my apartment, resulting in way too much time wasted spent on customer service calls and waiting in for plumbers. This is still not entirely resolved but progress is being made and I believe a flood has been averted. I've also been somewhat distracted by a nasty kidney infection, which has not stopped me from working but has had me feeling pretty blah. I didn't help by insisting that if I ignored it, it would just go away. It responded by digging in and shouting more loudly for attention with some quite severe discomfort, a temperature, fever, chills... general grottiness. I finally relented and now have muti to sort it out and to mask the pain properly in the meantime, so that's good.

My head is swirling with clichés about obstacles overcome making for better, richer experience and I know that clichés generally become clichés because they are true but I'd also not mind a little "plain sailing" type change, for a change. I'd like to be able to just enjoy it. Relish the excitement. Look to the new world.

Throughout the week, through the frustration and the irritation and the pain, the thing that's been singing out to me most clearly though is how, in three short weeks, my life is going to be different. That it's going to present opportunities to make permanent changes. That changes are already being felt. It's scary, no doubt. It will continue to be unpredictable in part, and almost certainly frustrating sometimes, but mostly, it's exciting. 

Different. Whatever the unknown brings, and however turbulent the change might be, that feels like a good thing. A great thing.

I'm surrendering to the wind.... 

I hope that wherever you are and whatever you're up to, you have a brilliant Friday and a lovely weekend! I'm going to start mine with a little breakout dance. With sing-along. On the outside (well, alone in my flat) and loudly (very!). Maybe to this old favourite.

Passion, sanctuary and a song

I knew fairly early in my career that I was not naturally inclined towards success in a corporate environment. I found that I could function there, even excel if I put my mind to it, and I did quite well. But I did not flourish. There was a fundamental disconnect between my inner world and my outer behaviours. I was not motivated by the things that drive those who are fulfilled in that sphere. My heart was not in it and I was never going to find meaning or satisfaction as long as I stayed and played the game. So I got out. I went into learning and development, which I loved and was passionate about, and after a while I took a leap and worked for myself for several extremely satisfying years. Facilitating the unlocking of someone's potential was and remains the most satisfying thing I can imagine myself doing. Although it was hard work and often uncertain, I was happier than I had ever been. But then, for reasons that required I take on something less unpredictable and challenging for a while, I went back into full-time employment. And I was very clear about what I was and wasn't looking for, and where I might find it.

I wanted to stay in learning and development but the context was important. I worked deliberately to resist taking an easy route back into a corporate space, moving into the voluntary and not-for-profit sector and finding a role within it that allowed me to do what I love, and feel less like a square peg in a round hole. Finding somewhere my skills fitted and I could feel my personal and professional values were more closely aligned with those of the organisation, and where I might feel less like what I wanted (which did not include climbing as high up the management structure as possible as quickly as possible) would be seen as a lack of ambition or aspiration. I took on a role that came with less freedom, lower perceived status, some of the frustrations of working in a organisation that occasionally moves painfully slowly to change, and certainly less financial reward but where I felt that I was making a meaningful and positive difference. I know that this decision was misunderstood by many (some very close to me) but I do not judge this. I do not say one situation is better than another. Just that one was more for me than the other. Integrity is what I was after, and personal and professional alignment is what I believed I had achieved.

Imagine my disappointment then when no more than about a year into this new role I started to feel the discomfort of that square peg situation again. The reasons are quite different this time but now, three years on, the discomfort's not much less acute, in fact more so in some ways. I am not a quitter and I essentially love what I do (and what we do as an organisation) but I am feeling limited and constrained by the scope of this particular role and the frustration associated with that has started to become unbearable. For the past year it has been absolutely suffocating and despite efforts to prevent the slide, I'm as demotivated and dispirited as I've ever felt in my work.

Change is the inevitable solution. I either need to change myself or my situation but what does this change look like for me now? If I can't make this work for me, what do I do next? If I truly don't fit in here anymore, where do I belong?

Honestly, I am not sure.

For the past few days I have been attending an event as part of a leadership programme I'm involved in and through exposure to what this entails, some of my thoughts are becoming woolier and woolier, rather than clearer as I'd hoped they might. But some things remain very clear to me.

I have a good head and it serves me well but I am essentially heart driven. Without love and passion, for me success and fulfilment in the workplace, as in any other area of life, are doubtful or dubious. I believe I still have the vocational love, but the passion needs some life breathed back into it. Without it I can do a good job but I can’t do a great job and I am not prepared to settle for any less for any longer. But I also can't afford to do anything rash and so packing a small bag and running off to live on a beach, tempting as that might be as a short-term solution, is not really an option. So I have to find a way to fall IN love again with what I do and to express that love within the organisation in a way that they can accommodate. If this proves impossible, I probably do need to consider moving on but that would not be my first choice, at least not for a while yet.

In order to do this, to re-ignite the fire, I believe I need to be focussing more time and energy on what I truly care about, spending time in my loved one’s company as it were, with a view to rediscovering the things that drew us together in the first place all those years ago.

Seems straightforward enough, right? Err, apparently not. I seem at a loss as to exactly how to do this, where to start... and none of the ideas that come to mind really move or excite me. Any thoughts most welcome. Truly. It's a long time since I've fallen in love anew with anything, and it seems I've forgotten how.

On a slightly different but not entirely unrelated note, and probably as a result of my current emotional state, which seems to be making everything more charged with significance than ever, two things during my time away this week really struck me:

The first was prompted by a visit to Durham Cathedral, where I encountered the sanctuary knocker in the photograph above. The story goes that in Medieval times anyone, usually criminals and outlaws, who made it to the cathedral doors and reached the knocker would be granted asylum, without question, protected and taken care of and given thirty-seven days to get their affairs in order, even if this meant that they arranged their own exile from the country to escape the ultimate penalty and sentence of law. Not that I am advocating that anyone (especially criminals) be given a free pass but given that some of the crimes these people might be accused of included things like idleness, witchcraft, or being a scold, it seems to me a death sentence was perhaps a bit extreme, and this is often what they were running away from. Something about this idea of being granted virtually unconditional sanctuary really touched me. I think it would be so great if there was a way that we could take a time out like this. An opportunity to stop running and take stock before moving on in a new direction. An opportunity to start afresh.

Secondly, I heard this song by Lily Frost yesterday and when I arrived home last night, I looked it up on YouTube (where I discovered it's the theme song for a TV programme that I'm not familiar with). I listened to the song again and suddenly, in one of those weird, uncontrolled and spluttery moments, I just burst into tears. It's strange because it's a cheerful little melody really but obviously something about the theme of self-actualisation in the lyrics quite literally struck a chord within me. I listened to it again, and typed the words up as it played.  The last time I did this was probably when I was a teenager or, at least, a student. Times in my life when I was filled with passion. Perhaps there's a lesson here...

All I ever wanted to be - Lily Frost

it's clearer inside of me
who i will always be
here at the core of my heart
mystics & cynics & crystals & memories
beginning to line up the stars
shining a light in the night
raising a veil from my eyes
waking me up to the light in my life, cause of my strength,
some of my dreams,
and everything i ever wanted to be

here i am
this is me,
where i'll be
in the dark
in the light
in the wrong
in the right

karma is energy,
give me my destiny
everything happens for a reason
every choice that i make, changes the course i take
won't be afraid when i make mistakes

open my arms and give in
do it all over again
do it all over again
do it all over again
again and again
to get to the end
of who i am now,
i'm gonna find the answers
and yes i know how
i know i can be the sum of my dreams
and everything i ever wanted, everything i ever wanted to be

here i am
this is me
who am i?
wait and see...

A wave hello, from down the rabbit hole...

At least that's what it feels like from where I am right now - in the dark, travelling full tilt down windy tunnels that lead to more dark and windy tunnels. Nothing exciting, nothing awful, just buried under work. But I'll be back soon and am looking forward to the light and catching up...

I'm listening to this Maggie Walters' song on my iPod as I travel on trains from here to there and back again - lots.

Also recently discovered Fringe (the two are not related, despite what this video suggests) and quite enjoyed the few episodes I saw so am thinking it might be on my viewing list for the weekend... I gather it's already in its second season in the States so that's good. If I like it, more to come. Very frustrating when I get into a programme (which doesn't happen often) and then it disappears mid-season or after only one. Don't you hate that? I watch almost no tv (actually can't remember the last time I turned it on) but I like to take things away to watch when I'm travelling or pop on a dvd when I'm pottering around at home and don't feel like music or silence.

Anyway, random rambling about tv programmes aside, really just wanted to share the song with you, say "Hi!", and whatever you're up to, hope your week's going well.

See you soon for a proper chat...

♥

Sweet Paul tries a little tenderness

I'm a big Paul Giamatti fan but I was unaware of this... 

He can sing too.

Do you remember this movie? I missed it at the time but caught it at a friend's place recently on dvd and I'm thinking of ordering it to add to my dead-cert-feel-good-happy-ending movie shelf (oh yes, I really do have one) to sit alongside (amongst others) The Breakfast Club, Moonstruck, Fried Green Tomatoes, Monsoon Wedding, Mamma Mia and Amélie. What can I say? My tastes are eclectic and I have no shame. 

Like several of those it would be joining on that shelf, this is cheesy in the extreme but it does makes me want to head out and find a karaoke bar, for some sing-along fun. Or to dance around my apartment singing at the top of my voice. I cannot sing. Truly. I like to sing but I am musically tone deaf and cannot carry a tune. It's a standing joke amongst the few family members who have ever heard it. And not without reason. My karaoke would be more in the style of Cameron Diaz. Almost too painful to watch and listen to. But don't worry, my singing is not something I'll ever subject you to. I promise.

But Paul can sing. And this is a classic sing-along song for me. I think it was banned from covers night at my university local, along with the likes of Piano Man and American Pie, because it was just done to death - mostly badly. But I like it. And I like Paul Giamatti and Andre Braugher's version.

Just what I need to get me through this compulsory Finance and Audit Workshop May Tuesday.

Embracing the blues

This has been one of those weeks. Marked by insufficient sleep (yes, it's apparently insomnia time again), a grotty bout of some bug that's been lingering for weeks (not quite flu but with flu-like symptoms) and too many hours of travel across the country (it's not all fun and frolics, I'm afraid), leaving me feeling sapped at a time when I need all the energy I'm normally capable of mustering on my best blue-sky-and calm-water day.

A major project deadline's looming and the pressure has been steadily building for the past few weeks. My team are only involved in the final phase but there was bad slippage early on in the project and unfortunately, because our role is highest in the project dependency ranks but last in the project delivery timeline, we are being both squished and left out to dry. This means that I will be working this weekend and probably next weekend as well. Not too happy about that. 

Hence the slight undertone of sting and storm you might detect seeping through.

So, what can be done to chase these unwelcome-stressy-moody-blues away and replace them with calm-sea-and-sky-beautiful-balanced-blues instead?

• Buy some outrageously happy shoes to dance to work in - check. Times two. I went back on my way home from Manchester last night and bought the other pair, still not entirely convinced about my mad moment. But then I read all the sweet and uplifting comments (thank you!) and I took those shiny blue babies out of the box and tried them on again. Oh yeah, I'm holding on to them lovely people! And I'm wearing them in to my office this weekend. They are insanely blue but they really do make me smile. And I think I'm keeping the others too - perhaps a bit greedy but they're just too yummy to return. Love them.

• Plan a seaside getaway - check. My love for the sea and its restorative powers is well known and it's been waaaaaay too long since my last visit to anywhere near it. This week I put a date in my diary and booked the leave so I can make a long weekend of it... Soon.

• Indulge in some Flickr colour and beauty therapy - check. Even a few minutes in there makes me feel better. A few mosaic meditations later and I feel the calm descend. One of two I made above - I'll share the other next week.

• Pack up a parcel of blue and send it to someone lovely - check. Battled a bit to find a proper pashmina in her chosen colour but I'm pleased with the one I settled on and hope Heather's going to enjoy it for years to come. I had fun wrapping it up and making it pretty, and will be sending it off on Saturday, with love.

• Add lovely stuff from a distinctive blue bottle to a relaxing bath and soak the cares away - check. This is one of my favourite Neal's Yard bath treats - smells luscious and soothes tired, winter-dry skin. Claims to "bring a feeling of well-being by strengthening and lifting the emotions". Works for me.

• Crank up something. not too. bluesy on the iPod and let the music tell the story - check. Three of my favourite artists. Three songs from the soundtrack of my week.
  

Aaah, that feels better already. Embracing the blues today...

And wishing you a happy Friday!

♥

Dreamy voices

Perhaps in my next life, I'll have a beautiful singing voice. I'd like that.

In the meantime, I enjoy listening to those who do. These two made such an incredible, mellow, double-bill.

Sweet and soulful works for me every time. Reaches right inside and makes me cry. But in a good way.

Just what I needed.

Be here now

Don't let your mind get weary and confused

Your will be still, don't try

Don't let your heart get heavy child

Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child

It's only time, it will go by

Don't look for love in faces, places

It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now

Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me

And I will try not to lose faith in you

Don't put your trust in walls

'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now

Be here now, here now

This is an old favourite and matches my mood perfectly today. As a Christmas gift I was given his latest album and tickets to see Ray Lamontagne live in February.  I look forward to that. A good gig does wonders for the spirit don't you think?