Signs and signifiers

March 2016

Brief journeys - Working and walking in Portland - Part One

Riding a rainbow caterpillar...

Today I had one of those moments where I stood back mentally to look around the room and I was struck by how people were engaged and palpably enjoying themselves in an environment that I had helped create for them. Creativity and conversation and collaboration were all in the air. Not loud but visible and tangible. It flowed with ease around me. And I was at ease. I felt alive and actively tuned in but calm and contained all at the same time.

It was only a moment and then, I was back in my head - attentive, listening and gathering my thoughts; thinking about what we were going to do next; considering how I would frame that to maintain the energy and also move us on; calculating the time we still had to work together; planning to take action... but for that moment, I was still. And it felt good. Like Tango, when it works. That rare (for me) instant when it all comes together in what I describe to myself as "glide". Grounded but light and floating all at the same time. Ease.

Bizarrely, as I was reflecting on this on the train home, I felt tears surface. I'm not entirely sure what that was about. Maybe relief that it's still possible to find that space. Maybe a sense of how rare it is and how I much I missed it when it wasn't part of my working life for so long. Perhaps just reliving the pleasure of it. Maybe overwhelmed with how lucky and thankful I am that I get to do work I love. Possibly exhaustion heightening all the emotions disproportionately. Probably a combination of these.

Either way, when I was reviewing the event photographs this evening, I found this one on my phone of somebody's tabletop creation and it summed it up for me... riding a giant rainbow caterpillar with a big smile on my face. Easily. That's kinda how it felt. Weird, I know. But true.

And now it's the weekend! That makes me happy too.

Ville de Bruxelles - Part Two

Avenue of loveliness.

Old and new combine quite beautifully.

Parks that offer an oasis of cool and calm.

Magical glimpses...

Anywhere else it would be too much. In a palace... it seemed just right. 

Ceiling panels and chandeliers covered in wings of 1.6 million iridescent jewel beetles. Incredible.

Ville de Bruxelles - Part One

Yes, okay. I'll try.

Kings Cross St. Pancras to Gare de Bruxelles-Midi in 2 hours - Eurostar really is the way to go.

The Grand Place - very grand indeed.

Seventeen out of twenty. Plus a few that aren't listed.

Art deco loveliness. A museum of musical instruments.

And, of course... chocolate.

Chemically speaking, chocolate really is the world's perfect food.

Michael Levine

Well, I'm not sure about that but it does seem that the Belgians come as close to making it perfectly as I have ever tasted.

Five minute lovely list

Right now I'm enjoying:

~ Taking 5 minutes...

~ Early cherries from Turkey - I love, love, love cherries and they have such a short season. I am at risk of over-indulging.

~ Intermittent sunshine. I wouldn't exactly call it Summer but there have been glimpses.

~ Four wheels on suitcases. Have I mentioned this? Changed my travelling life, bearing in mind that when I'm not on planes I'm mostly on public transport and always my own porter. Seriously, who would have thought those two extra wheels would make such a difference?! Revolutionary!

~ Six days in a row working from home to look forward to. Sleeping in my own bed... what a pleasure.

♥

Between then and now...

Work, work and work
Under the Concorde
Salted caramel 'sandcastles' to celebrate summer
Sore feet & solitary reflection
Favourite cities with big hearts
Flying and more flying
Colour and variety
Embracing the skinny
Brief intervals of special connection...

... On balance, good.

Five minute lovely list

This week I've been:

~ Enjoying the fact that the everyday tools of my trade now include as much paper and handwritten ink as technology.

~ Loving my pretty new phone case - like carrying a little quilt of colour in my pocket!

~ Noticing just the slightest shift in daylight hours... not out of the long darkness by a good distance yet but moving in that direction. Oh, and the snow's gone. Thank goodness because, much as I love it to look at, it was causing havoc with getting around.

~ Thankful for the support of people who, with many a kind word and deed, have helped me deal with some of the less pleasant aspects of being self-employed and resident in a foreign country. 

~ Relishing the paint! The juicy acrylic colours, the feeling of it on my fingers and under a brush, and the sheer escape of losing myself in the process for a few hours... BLISS.

♡

Over it

Are the days of winter sunshine just as sad for you, too? When it is misty, in the evenings, and I am out walking by myself, it seems to me that the rain is falling through my heart
and causing it to crumble into ruins.

Gustave Flaubert

I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness.

Anaïs Nin

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up.

Anne Lamott

Winter. So over it.

What counts

So it's probably a bit strange that I'm writing this on Christmas day but it's not really Christmas that's on my mind. Am I sad that I could not be with family and friends this year? Yes. Am I sad in general? No. In fact I've had rather a nice day... quiet and peaceful and full of lovely moments. I've seen, spoken to or heard from loved ones across the world, had some beautiful thoughtful gifts to unwrap and enjoy, plenty of yummy treats to eat and I'm left in no doubt that I'm cared for. What more could a person wish for at Christmas really?

What's on my mind though is not the holiday but work.

What's on my mind is how stretched and challenged and yet motivated I am.

What's on my mind is how I have to trust now, more than ever, that things will be okay and that I will be okay - better than okay.

Over the past few months I've been working out my notice as well as establishing the new business - both jobs in the time and space of one. It's been pretty hectic. A tad too hectic for my liking. They are fundamentally incompatible roles. Flexible as my employers were in trying to accommodate me so that I'd be able to run the two alongside one another on into the future (something that I did consider) the new venture requires time and flexibility that they just cannot offer me as an employee. And I'm more than ready to move on. I need to focus my energy on the new, not the old. So, as of Christmas Eve, I am now entirely self-employed.

The last few weeks and days in my old role were odd. It's inevitable I guess that a move this significant, after this length of time, would bring up mixed feelings. The outpouring of good wishes, hugs, gifts and general loveliness has been quite overwhelming. It made me sad to say goodbye to some of the people who've been my colleagues, my team, for years. And yet, I have no regrets. That's a sign I feel that I'm doing the right thing. The right thing for me, the right thing for now.

So what's on my mind today is how I am more pleased with my situation than not - scary and insecure as it is. That, although it's early days yet, the life that's unfolding for me feels right. That trusting my instincts is serving me well and I need to develop that. How grateful I am for people who care. How thankful I am for opportunities presented and how I must continue to exercise courage and take them. How being happy is here, now, not only on the horizon or beyond it. And that that's what counts.

What works...

There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.

Christopher Morley

(1890-1957)

I love working from home. Everything about it. Especially on Mondays.

At the heart of it...

[Wo]Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live. 

Margaret Fuller 

(1810-1850) 

Without work, all life goes rotten. But when work is soulless, life stifles and dies. 

Albert Camus 

(1913-1960)

I have to work. Putting a roof over my head and all that boring stuff pretty much requires it. That's okay, I don't mind. I buy the occasional lottery ticket and dream of how I would spend the jackpot gazillions (a beautiful remote spot at the sea features top of the list), how my life might be different freed from the need to earn a living. Mostly I am happily reconciled to the fact that I will need to work for a wage, for a long time yet. And I enjoy feeling that I am doing something productive and meaningful.

I've talked here about the trials, and perhaps not enough about the amazing satisfaction I get from what I do. Sometimes. Occasionally. Rarely. Yes, now it's rarely. There's a difference between surviving and thriving and although I used to love my work, I've allowed myself to slip into the situation where that satisfaction factor is so reduced as to be almost entirely invisible most days. Growth, which is supposed to be at the centre of what I'm about, and what I'm supposed to be involved in facilitating in others, feels non-existent in my own professional life. Even many of my existing strengths and skills are sitting in a metaphorical box locked up under my desk, seldom exercised. And I'm running so fast to stand still that I seldom have a chance to consider what's missing, or how to change it.

That's why the sabbatical.... It's a privilege to be able to carve out some time to decelerate, reconnect and restore and I'm very conscious that I need to make it count. I intend to use the opportunity to take stock, re-evaluate what's most important to me, excavate my professional passions (which I am sure are still lurking in the depths of me somewhere) and try to turn that all into something that allows me to make a living and live.

I was playing with the camera and an app on my phone and took the photograph above of a spot on my desk, which when I looked at it afterwards summed up a lot of what I think I'm after... opportunity for creativity, variety, a touch of poetry and a lot of heart!

Not too tall an order, is it?

♡

Rainbow cloud

I found I could say things with colour and shapes that I couldn't say any other way - 

things I had no words for.

Georgia O'Keeffe

(1887-1986)

This past couple of weeks there's been a lot going on - lots of travel, lots of meetings, lots of project planning, a conference, some seminars, three Birthdays and the associated get-togethers... lots and lots of interaction with lots of people.

I have seldom felt less connected - inside and out.

When I was downloading some photographs I took at an event yesterday, this was amongst them. I have no idea what it is. The rainbow cloud inside my handbag perhaps? I don't know. But of all the pictures, this was the one I like the most.

A happy abstract accident.

Wishing you an unexpected rainbow cloud or a happy accident of your own this weekend...

The last mince pie...

Mince pies, like marzipan and marmite, seem to be one of those things that divide people into two food camps - either one loves them or one hates them. I love them all. Especially mince pies. I still recall how, when we were children, the fact that Christmas was not far off was announced with the arrival of a lovely tin of homemade mince pies from my grandmother. They were eked out as treats over the holiday (we always put one out with the milk and carrots for Santa and his reindeer, but just the one mind) and I remember so vividly even now the delicious rich and festive smell of the spicy fruit and buttery pastry as I lifted the lid on the tin and breathed in deeply. They are still the best I've ever tasted (although my sister does a great version too) but now, in the absence of the homemade variety, I look forward to them appearing in the shops and take every opportunity to enjoy them over the Christmas period. So, so good with a cup of tea. Over the past few weeks a little diminishing stash has been keeping me company and I managed to save this last one to savour on the final day of my holiday. Deee-lish!

Despite best intentions and all sorts of little pep talks to myself, I have a horrible deep sinking feeling about going back to work tomorrow. I'm well rested and feeling much better for it but still not relishing what lies ahead on the work front. In my first five days back, for example, I will be in four different cities... in Scotland, England and Wales.  And so it begins... and my heart sinks.

When I uploaded this picture of the mince pie though, after I'd enjoyed eating it, I noticed how the sugar grains caught the light so prettily, and those little sparkles reminded me to focus on the good stuff. And to keep focussing on the good stuff. Look for the sparkle, Kenda, look for the sparkle - however tiny. So here are some of the reasons to look forward to returning to work:

~ I really do like some of the people I work with or will be encountering on my travels, and it will be good to catch up with them, their holiday stories, and their goals and plans for the year ahead.

~ I can resume my daily exercise routine, which mostly involves a lot of brisk walking, as that's become very neglected over the past few weeks in favour of lounging around munching on mince pies.

~ I can move forward on my mentoring project, which was just starting to take off nicely before the break, and which I really do relish although it's only a tiny part of what I'm doing.

~ I'll have lots and lots of opportunities to enjoy my kindle as I travel around the country on the railways, which are now working again because the snow's mostly gone.

~ I'm sure Easter eggs and hot cross buns will replace the mince pies in the shops soon, and I love those too...

Snowed in, snowed under...

Maybe this will be the week that things start to slow down at work? I hope so 'cause I only have about three day's worth left in me and I still have five days to get through. 

The good news is that we have had more beautiful fluffy snow over the past few weeks than I've ever experienced in my life and it's gorgeous. This weekend brought a fresh fall... lots of it. Very pretty.

It does bring the whole country to a standstill though, which I find somewhat amusing (the whining needs to be experienced to be believed) and somewhat infuriating (honestly, it's not as if it never happens and yet we're always caught so unprepared). The sad thing is that it makes travelling for those who need to (like me) a real mission and even basic services like post and gas supplies are affected. They reckon that millions of Christmas deliveries are backlogged and are going to fail to arrive in time and people in more remote areas are having to go without heat - neither of which is funny or I think truly acceptable in a first world country.

Other than that, I'd rather just enjoy what there is to enjoy about it. The whining and whinging I hear all around me doesn't prevent it, or make it go away any faster, so I reckon we should just surrender to the snowlove!

My plan for the next few days is to layer up, walk out, and keep going until I can stop and hunker down properly over the holiday. With perhaps a pause or two to take a photograph or make a snowball in-between. 

I hope holiday preparations in the virtual and real worlds are going well. I may get a chance to swing by and see for myself soon.  That is, if this is indeed the week that things start to slow down... or I get snowed in.

Otherwise, it'll have to wait 'til next week.

Either way, sending a lot of ♡♥♡♥♡ out into the ether... with a little ❄*❄*❄ attached!

Thankfulness, every day - Fifteen

Today I am thankful for having an opportunity to work with a lovely colleague, apply a bit of creative problem-solving to a situation and, although the bits don't necessarily fit neatly together like a jigsaw puzzle, create a beautiful, quite elegant solution nevertheless. 

It made me think of a mosaic. 

I love mosaics. Even more than jigsaw puzzles.

Thankfulness, every day - Thirteen

Today I had a proposal approved for a project I'm really passionate about. It involves the design, planning and implementation of a developmental mentoring scheme and I am inordinately excited about it. It represents a step-change in the formal approach to personal and professional development for this organisation. We have some fantastic mentoring work going on informally and it's not something that's going to change the world, this programme, but it's something I hope will provide a useful framework and enable a few more great people to engage in meaningful, enriching partnerships from which they all stand to benefit, regardless of whether they participate as mentor or mentee. I so believe in the transformative potential and power of a good mentoring relationship, having been on both sides of the equation, that it delights me to be able to facilitate this for others. 

It's taken some time and required some manouvering to get it in front of them but response from the approving board to the proposal paper today was so positive and heartening.  It reminded me of why I became involved in my field in the first place and how much satisfaction there is to be had from it when people who have the choice to endorse or to obstruct an idea, take a leap of faith and get behind it.

It means a lot more work for me on top of an already jammed schedule but I'm energised in a way that I've not felt for a long time and it occurred to me as I walked home this evening how different my outlook is when there's an open road, a broad horizon and big sky ahead.

I'm so thankful for having been granted this new view, as opposed to the brick wall I've been staring at for ages now. It's a good way to start the week.

Thankfulness, every day - Nine

Always thankful for a window seat and a view of the world from the clouds. This one, en route to Belfast for the day.

Thankfulness, every day - One

This morning I sat on a train at 6.45am, waiting for it to leave on a long journey north and, in the cold and dark with the prospect of spending seven hours in total on the rails today, honestly, I was a bit grumpy and not feeling particularly grateful. 

But then I settled in to my seat, drew my lovely warm shawl around me (a gift from my sister) and took my favourite new toy out of my bag (an early Birthday present from someone special) and considered that if it were not for the great British rail system I'd probably have to drive (something I really don't enjoy at all) and suddenly, I felt a lot less crabby and a lot more thankful. A lot more.

Day one of a month of daily gratitude off to a good start!

I hope that you too have found reason to be thankful today and if you're keen to check in on some other spaces shining with a grateful light, you might like to start here...

♡

p.s. I LOVE my Kindle. For all the reasons we discussed, it does not and never will replace a real book for sensory pleasure. Definitely not.  Today though it allowed me to carry two complete books and two long reports that I needed to read for work in a light, convenient, easy to annotate format - perfect.

Brief journeys - I went to London for a couple of days...

...one of the most vibrant cities in the world...
and this is what I saw.

Could be anywhere, right?

Oh yes, glamorous and exciting times.

I usually try to get out on the town a bit when I travel for work, even if it's just for a wander around the neighbourhood I'm staying in, which this time was Bloomsbury, one of my favourite areas in central London. Unfortunately the schedule this week did not allow even that small pleasure.

But, on the upside, despite being a partial building site in sections, the hotel was very comfortable, and the staff friendly and helpful so, if I had to be locked within four walls, they were not the worst four walls to be locked in. And, although the food was mostly fast and eaten on the run, it was fresh and yummy. And yes, it was quite hard work, but the group were lovely, enthusiastic people, keen to learn and practice the craft of designing, developing and delivering great, engaging learning workshops, which was very gratifying.

So all in all, not a bad few days. Glad to be home though. Nothing beats sleeping in my own bed.