I’ve always been someone who experiences extremes. I strive for balance because balance is the thing that’s most difficult for me to achieve and maintain. I'd like to believe I’m learning the lessons necessary to master the art of a more even-keeled disposition but I recognise that this is always likely to be a challenge for me.
I often think of life as a fairground, and people the diverse attractions... some are Ferris wheels - slow moving, seldom changing direction but often with a great and insightful overview to offer. Some are the carousel horses - going serenely and sedately up and down, dancing beautifully and quietly to cheerful music in the background - lovely to encounter. Some are a helter-skelter - a quick dash down a steep spiral, usually accompanied by lots of screaming, followed by a slow and laborious climb back up - hard work for the payoff. Some seem to combine both twirling and dipping, like a crazy hopper – exciting and exhilarating but exhausting to experience for too long. I think I’m a roller-coaster. High highs and low lows and occasional wild loops. Some people's idea of a good time, something others don't want to come anywhere near. Yes, I relate most to the roller-coaster. I spend a lot of time climbing towards and hovering on the peaks... then, as I inevitably must, I plunge down quickly and dramatically but am almost immediately climbing out the other side towards the next peak. It’s more about the great experience overall than dwelling in the low spots.
Fortunately, for the most part, my roller-coaster life has dipped only relatively briefly into the low curves and I hope that I understand and value the high points all the better for having known the deep and scary drop.
I have what might be described as bouncebackability. This is a combination of a natural (and well-nurtured) optimistic tendency and application of the lessons of experience, which have taught me that there are some dips (and doldrums, possibly even worse than dips?) that cannot be avoided or controlled and that if one can simply hang on tight and ride them out, the next ascent is inevitable.
Some days I long to be a truly calm and gentle boat ride through beautiful landscapes but the truth is that any length of time there has me wishing for the excitement and challenge of a steeper gradient and wilder terrain. I’m an adventurer at heart.
For fear of taking the roller-coaster metaphor too far, this doesn’t mean that I am horribly inconsistent or that I am rocketing from one mood to the other all the time. Or that I want to. What I’m talking about is the fact that, up or down, I have always felt things keenly.
In the not too distant past I noticed that something had changed. It was not as if the climb was just an especially long and steep one; the roller-coaster had virtually stopped moving all together. Emotional numbness dulls pain. That’s what it’s designed to do, and it serves its purpose well. But it also dulls joy. And that’s not a price I’m prepared to pay. Anymore.
I’ve been giving this happiness thing quite a lot of thought recently. Am I unhappy? Am I happy? If not, why not? Am I still capable of being happy? Is it reasonable to want to be happy, or is happiness a myth? And if not a myth, what am I doing about it - apart from navel-gazing? What makes me happy? How can I focus on the moments of happiness (joy, love, laughter, comfort, rest, beauty, creativity, fun, adventure...) that combine into an overall experience that I’d identify as being happy?
Because I am not willing to settle for just not being unhappy. At one point that would have been enough but as a permanent state it just feels bland and static, a no-man's land. And being happy is not something that I take for granted. I don't believe it's a myth but it’s also not something that I believe needs to be constantly present, or flashing in neon pink, or that - for me - happens without conscious consideration. Is one happy if one is unaware of being happy? Like the tree that falls unheard in a forest, I’m not sure my happiness is real if I do not witness it. I am happy when I am conscious that I am happy.
I've read that happiness is "a state of mind", the suggestion being that one just flip a switch from off to on and happiness burns brightly. This may be true for some. But for me, happiness is like a muscle or a discipline, or a curve to climb - it requires effort. It suffers when it's ignored. It withers. But it's newly generated, strengthened, or picks up momentum when it's exercised. This is not a particularly profound insight for some, and not needed for some. But it's something that I seemed to lose sight of for a while and that I'm glad to be rediscovering. Practicing happiness makes me happier.
And it's about the details. What I’m doing a lot of right now is taking note of what makes me happy, and what doesn't. Noticing how I feel, specifically - in certain situations, with people, on my own, when eating, when moving, when resting, in light, in dark, in rain and shine… And digging into my mental archives and remembering the things that have made me happy in the past so that I can re-explore them.
Happy week is all about this, isn't it? It is for me. And one of the things that strikes me as I browse other people's happy posts is how many "me too!" moments I experience. It's wonderful and I'm grateful to be able to enjoy the happiness of others. Their happiness makes me happy too. I'm happy to be in the company of happy people, or people who are likewise seeking to change their state of being, evolvers. Evolution makes me happy.
Phew, I can certainly ramble. So what do I conclude about happiness and what it means for me right now? A summary:
- Balance is not about travelling a straight line but about making sure that the downs never outnumber the ups.
- I accept that there will inevitably be downs but will not avoid the ups to avoid the downs. Be present in the moment. And notice the little details and simple pleasures, they make all the difference.
- I'll savour every loop, no matter how wild or how quickly it's done. They are integral to the overall experience. And I'll be thankful for them.
- I need to consciously maintain the tracks, or the ride falters and might even stop. Dreaming and visualising and documenting are important elements of this process for me.
- I will enjoy the moments of rest between cycles. And take in the view when the climb is slow.
- I learn a lot about myself when I observe others and I enjoy happiness shared.
- I'll eat cake if that's what it takes.
P.S. Flickr makes me very happy. Today, these lovely people have lent their beauty to my thoughts and dreams.
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