100 Day Project - Day Fifty Nine

Let me live, love, and say it well in good sentences

Sylvia Plath

Inspired by a writer’s residency last week to resurrect some ideas for a book that I put into a mental lockbox about 12 years ago, I find I’m actually looking forward to writing again - even in my journal - in a way I haven’t for ages.

Of course, it’s a long way from here to there, but... it’s created this tingle under my skin and a buzz in my head. I’m quite enjoying that feeling.

Fifty by fifty

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. 

I want to have lived the width of it as well.

Diane Ackerman

This year I reach my half-century milestone.

I haven't really watched its coming with anything more than vague amazement because I remember clearly as a teen thinking I would never reach it. But here it is... on the doorstep rather than the horizon.

I wondered a few years ago whether I would even want to mark its coming as anything more than any other turn in the wheel, but as it's drawn nearer I see that it's an opportunity - like any birthday, new calendar year, new season, new moon, new day, new moment - to reflect and respond to where I am at and where I may go next. Also, on how I will move from here to there. The why, how and what of those moves are all important to me. And, it is a milestone. Half of a century. Several people I've known did not made it this far so I feel that alone is reason to take pause. Surely a moment worthy of celebrating, to gather the learnings and consider the road ahead?

In general, I think I'm okay with it. I'm healthy and I'm thankful for that. Like many people who observe the impact on our bodies, I'm conscious that things are shifting and not always in ways that I enjoy the look and feel of. And not always in ways that project the vitality I feel and may be perceived at first glance, or are congruent with that. On the outside I'm greyer every day (the hair that I have left) and I am getting undeniably and rapidly wrinklier. I don't love it. I really don't love it. I don't hate it either though.

There is some challenge in dealing with how it manifests physically and perceptually in a world that seems to worship youthfulness (and this is a whole soapbox rant I will spare anyone here!) but I also can't remember a time when I've inhabited this skin more comfortably, more authentically, since I was a very young child. I do not feel fully realised but I do feel in flow towards realisation; in a state of perpetual motion that is both stretching and fulfilling simultaneously. And truly, I can't imagine ever 'getting there', even if I live another fifty years. For me, it really is about the journey that offers.

I've always said that I'd like to live without regret and, right here, at this milestone moment, I have no major regrets. Some choices perhaps that with hindsight, I might have approached differently but no real 'turn back the clock' desires.

My life is filled with people who care about me and who I love deeply. When I get to the end of this journey, I know it is the enriching quality of the relationships I've had and have that will be most meaningful to me. As they are now. In this, as in most things, I value quality over quantity but I feel I have an abundance of wonderful individuals who are in my posse. I look at the people who've taken me to their hearts and I am thankful. So thankful.

I also love the work I do. Although it's often not easy and there still feels like a way to go to achieve the levels of workload that would be a sweetspot between being actively engaged and overly committed, I count myself very fortunate to spend most days working with and supporting amazing people in incredible places on interesting and meaningful stuff. I'm challenged and stretched and that keeps me growing and evolving too, both personally and professionally. In fact, I can hardly distinguish between the personal and professional now (nor do I want to) and that is no small thing. I was striving and struggling to find that sort of integration for so long and although it brings challenges of its own, I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm not sure how long I will do this, like this, but for now, it suits me well and again, I am thankful to have found it.

This is not to say that there are not things that peeve and pester me daily in the world at large; thing that hurt and upset me and even things that outrage me. I am not ignoring the impact or importance of these but, really, I feel so overwhelmingly fortunate.

So, given all that, what lies ahead? Towards the end of last year and around my birthday, I went through my usual ritual of reflection. This is a sense-and-respond exercise, which includes looking at my rolling 'life list' to remove the things I've done (or changed my mind about wanting to do!) and adding things that I've decided need to be on it. Normally it's fairly randomly arranged and, as things come and go, it evolves quite organically but this time I considered how I might prioritise some of the things on it so that they help me mark this year.

Which is how I've come up with my 50by50 list. Some things were already on the list and some have been added for this year specifically. I will not be sharing the whole list here or subjecting everyone to a blow-by-blow account of how it plays out. #50 on the list though is, "Document this process – keep a journal of the 50by50 journey" and one of the places I will do some of that is here. I've missed spending time in this, one of my happy places in the virtual world and so it seems like a good incentive to start showing up here again more regularly.

I will not be tackling the list in any particular order and some things may combine in execution. I can see, for example, how #13 "Take JG (my mother) somewhere on her bucket list" and #15 "Go to at least three places in the UK that I haven’t been to yet." might overlap.

This week I started to take action on #19 on the list too, "Buy a lottery ticket at least once a month." The reason for this new inclusion is twofold:

I know firsthand what a profound impact the lottery funding makes for the great community projects (in the UK and abroad) that some of the money raised goes to support and I like that. In the last financial year this one funding organisation alone redistributed over £1 billion to projects with a social mission and they only have responsibility for 40% of the money raised by the National Lottery for good causes. Agencies that specialise in funding art, cultural and sporting projects redistribute the other 60% between them. I donate to several other causes more directly on a monthly basis but this is now going to be one of them.

The second reason for this choice is that I want to consciously invite some elements of chance and random luck into my life. This feels like one small, safe and fun way to do that. If I happen to win enough to buy a tiny island in the equatorial zone (or even go on holiday there this year) that would be fine too. I would bear it. And I would share it. I bought two tickets this week, one for the National lottery (to be drawn tonight) and one for the Euromillions lottery (drawn on Wednesday). I won £34.90. My nett winnings to-date, £30.90. The Costa Rica/Bora Bora fund is already looking much healthier!

The list includes several other things - large and small in scale - that I will pursue over the year. The one I'm going to start tackling today is #25 "Read at least 10 new books from countries other than the UK, SA or USA". I'm not limiting this to non-English-language writers but it has been a long time since I've read much in translation and, last year, not one that I am aware of. Needs to be rectified. I like the difference in perspective, style and sensibility that writers from other countries bring to their work and therefore, to my world.

Today I am going to start compiling the list and put out feelers for recommendations so, if anyone has anything to suggest, please feel free. All ideas most welcome.

As for the rest... watch this space!

Cast in stone?

Men admire the man who can organise his wishes and thoughts in stone and wood and steel and brass.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Nothing is built on stone; all is built on sand, but we must build as if the sand were stone.

Jorge Luis Borges

I believe that one defines oneself by reinvention. To not be like your parents. To not be like your friends. To be yourself. To cut yourself out of stone.

Henry Rollins

Thinking about permanence. The meaning. The weight. And the absence thereof.

Breathe...

... it out.

Space...

...to work and play.

In the 21st century on a horribly overcrowded planet and in Europe, where layer upon layer of time and building has closed down the sky and too many people are crowded into geographic proximity, excess living space feels like the ultimate luxury to me. This being the case, I'm very fortunate because, for now at least, I have plenty of it. I've lived in several tiny places and there's something very satisfying about being able to live well in a compact space. But oh, the joy of having space to spare... I enjoy that SO much. I have this whole extra room in my apartment that I use for both work and play and that I love. It's not grand. The furniture is cheap Ikea stuff and it's always in need of a bit of tidying up but being in here makes me very happy. Because it's extra space. Unnecessary space. Full of things that are meaningful to me. I don't need it but having it is such a pleasure.

Standing this year in places where the sky was huge and where there was often not another person to be seen from horizon to horizon (apart sometimes from my nearest and dearest) I was struck again by how I grow and thrive in space. I love the freedom it represents. I could breathe. I could move.

Space to work and to play - a luxury? I've been thinking about this in the less physical sense as well - about having space to breathe and move mentally and emotionally, to think and dream and explore and plan and grow and do, and just to be.

Space to do good work and space to play, creatively, freely... This often seems like a luxury too. Finding the space for all that can be a challenge and, in my experience, what tends to get squeezed out if there's not enough are the good bits.

Reflecting on this past year, where I experienced both states - the over-crowded and the space-to-spare state - has reminded me of how this is actually less about luxury and more about what's essential to good living for me. To a good life. Having more physical space is definitely a luxury. Having mental and emotional space is something I need. And so I have to be conscious about finding it. Creating it. Appreciating it. Enjoying it. Protecting it. Filling it (or at least some of it) with good work and good play.

I thought for a while that my word for 2013 was going to be fly (verb not insect!), which is a good word and I hope there's lots of it to come, but I've decided at the last minute that it's space instead. Because without space, no flying can occur.

Farewell 2012. You've been a strange and amazing year.

♡

Gentle days and soft greys...

Everything that ever walked or crawled on the face of the earth, swum the depths of the ocean or soared through the skies left its imprint here.

Robert M. Fresco

(1930)

Walking the shores of the Indian Ocean... warm air, warm water... warm heart! Leaving our footprints alongside those of the birds, the fishermen, their dogs and the hippo.


*picture, middle right - adult male sibling foot alongside adult male/female hippo spoor. Not something one often encounters at the beach.

Ready or not...

I've been away from work for just over a week now and I've spent that time visiting with friends (to cuddle babies and say farewells), thinking about what I need to pack for my travels (allowing for a variety of climates but limited to what I can easily carry), stocking up my reading list* (both paper and kindle versions), generally preparing things for my absence (making sure bills will be paid, spare keys have been distributed and other such mundane stuff), and trying to gather what I know the creative space in my head will need when the time comes (fresh notebooks, lovely pens, camera... you know what I mean). It's been busy and, with only three days to go now 'til I fly South, is only going to get busier. I think it's fair to say that the "relax and restore" phase of the agenda hasn't kicked off yet. Underneath the tide of all this activity there's a tiny ripple of anxiety at leaving certain things behind for a while, some, perhaps for good.

However, much deeper, at the level where the heart beats faster and faster as dreams take shape; below all of the surface agitation, there's been a gentle and consistent swell of excitement, anticipation and something which now borders on inner glee. I say "inner" because I think on the outside I still look the same but inside, I am all alive with possibility and not just smiling; grinning. I'm not quite ready but ready to be ready. I know that doesn't make much sense but it's as accurate as I can get at right now. Preparing to go... ready or not.

*if anyone has any good reading recommendations, please do share. I'm open to anything - fiction or non-fiction - I intend to do a LOT of reading! 

Stretching the wings

Be free all worthy spirits, and stretch yourselves, for greatness and for height. 

George Chapman

(1559-1634)

It's 3am and here I am, either staring at the ceiling or surrendering to the whirring head and getting the thoughts out, in hope of then being able to rest. I've been doing the former since about 2, so now I'm trying the latter.

Yesterday I attended a much anticipated workshop with an expert in the field of public speaking. This guy is one of those global gurus who commands large sums and large, illustrious audiences. The sort of guy whose ilk I would normally not encounter. Through an amazing twist of fate though I found myself, along with a small group of my colleagues, being granted a few intensive hours of coaching with him - a real privilege. 

I had been warned that his methods could be radical. He comes from an operatic and theatrical background so I had visions of being pushed into some zones of discomfort. He has a great reputation for achieving results though and I am convinced by what I see in my own work and personal experience, that the stretch zone's where the best learning takes place. I was up for that. Scared witless. But up for it. 

Except it turns out that I really wasn't. As the day progressed, and I was asked first to sing alone and unaccompanied (completely tone deaf!) and then throw an invisible ball around the group whilst soundlessly and then accompanied by sound (not words) acting out extreme emotions like rage and sorrow and joy, I found that I was becoming increasingly ill at ease to the point of feeling physically ill. I fell at the hurdle of being asked to tap into my inner five year old on a summer's day and dance exuberantly through a sprinkler.... I could not do it. Of course, I could do it. Nothing physically preventing me from it. Intellectually, I understood why we were being asked to do it. I even remember being a five year old and dancing through a sprinkler on a summer's day. But I could not bring myself to do it. I would not do it. Instead, I almost threw up and had to retreat shortly afterwards to cry in the cloakroom for five minutes before returning to the group.

It was downhill for me from there. All the emotional barriers to learning came bouncing up to enclose me in a space that left almost no room to breathe, let alone sing. I felt embarrassed, humiliated (not by being asked to be silly but by my extreme reaction to it), guilty, disappointed and horribly inadequate. I went on to prepare and deliver my selected spoken piece as best I could but my whole heart wasn't in it and I felt I'd been relegated to the "not good enough" pile. The workshop was described as being about discovering one's authentic voice, which is "not about the voice itself but the story it has to tell and sharing that story for affect...". Apparently my authentic voice does not make the grade and does "not have the range to be extraordinary". My authentic self took a beating.

Reflecting on the experience I wonder what I learnt? We were reminded of the 1 degree shift principle (which says that even the tiniest change of course, extrapolated, can have a big impact over time), that flexibility is essential for those who wish to have the most influence, and that managing our inner state is crucial for outer congruence in communication - all of which I believe to be true. The feedback suggested that I have a calm, collected, compelling, and intimate style of delivery; that I'm very expressive and that my story draws people in and along with me and that there's warmth and sincerity and passion evident. All good. But that that's "not enough". That, amongst other things, I'm too controlled, lack resonance, and the ability to jump into the states and physical spaces that are required for the "extraordinary". That I probably won't be commanding large sums from large, illustrious audiences. Probably true. I'm processing all of this. It's valuable feedback and I need to consider what this means for me and what I do with it. This is no bad reflection on the guru - he's brilliant at what he does and I am in no doubt that he gets amazing results for some people. Just not for me. I have definitely learnt a lot from the experience though. That it was painful for me is not really his fault.

What I also learnt though is that I need to pick my stretch experiences more carefully. That putting one's self into a situation where nausea and fear overwhelm is more conducive to regression than progression and that right now, at a time when I'm standing on the brink of taking unaided flight into the unknown, I am at a place of vulnerability that I need to be slightly more aware and protective of. I need to be seeking ways of building my confidence and restoring my resilience and while that doesn't just mean placing myself in situations where only what I would like to hear is affirmed, I also need to be sensitive to how fragile and precarious a position my psyche is in. 

I believe there's a place for my voice yet. It might be quieter and less "extraordinary" than some but that's okay too. It doesn't want to command a large stage.  A small one, compellingly, would do me. Without resorting to a defensive cop-out, I can't help but feel that one man's authentic is another woman's acting, and that perhaps I am more of a supper club crooner than an opera diva?

Countdown commences...

When in doubt, choose change.

Lily Leung

Never too old, never too bad, never too late, never too sick to start from scratch once again.

Bikram Choudhury

Remembering you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Steve Jobs

I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings.
You may not know where you’re going, but you know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you. 

C Joybell C

Six weeks from today my sabbatical begins. Six months (plus) to explore. To rest. To restore. To dream. To create... a new reality.

It's been a long gruelling year since the commitment to do this was made, the opportunity sought and the time granted. My heart is so ready. My head is a bit more nervous. Anything is possible. Anything is a very big space.

It's exhilarating. It's terrifying.

I can't wait.

Reflections

Without compassion, we will never know anyone or anything, not even our own story. Too much judgment, too many ideas and attitudes will stand in the way of the fundamental principle that we are similar to, connected with, and part of everything else.
Deena Metzger

The most beautiful people we have know are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross
(1926-2004)

Every moment of your life is infinitely creative and the universe is endlessly bountiful.
Just put forth a clear enough request, and everything your heart desires must come to you.

Mahatma Gandhi

(1869-1948)

At a loss for words at the moment... so am just reflecting quietly until I find them again, or until they find me.

Word

Each day, and the living of it, has to be a conscious creation in which discipline and order are relieved with some play and pure foolishness.

Mary Sarton

(1912-1995)

Let us be about setting high standards for life, love, creativity, and wisdom. If our expectations in these areas are low, we are not likely to experience wellness. Setting high standards makes every day and every decade worth looking forward to.

Greg Anderson

(1970)

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.

Og Mandino

(1923-1996)

I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live by the light that I have.

Abraham Lincoln

(1809-1865)

I want my love, my joy, my laugh, my smile, my needs

Not in the star signs

Or the palm that she reads

I want my sun-drenched, wind-swept Ingrid Bergman kiss

Not in the next life

I'll have it in this

I'll have it in this

Good as Gold - The Beautiful South

Creativity is inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun.

Mary Lou Cook

(1918)

Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.

Helen Keller

(1880-1968)

Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think.

Horace

(65 BC-8 BC)

Still, what I want in my life is to be willing to be dazzled-to cast aside the weight of facts and maybe even to float a little above this difficult world.

Mary Oliver

(1935)

Living creatively is really important to maintain throughout your life. And living creatively doesn't mean only artistic creativity, although that's part of it. It means being yourself, not just complying with the wishes of other people.

Matt Groening

(1954)

Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand-and melting like a snowflake...

Francis Bacon, Sr.

(1561-1626)

One of the single most useful practices I've adopted over the past few years is the selection of the annual word. If you've been coming round here for a while, you'll know that I find it almost impossible to narrow anything down to just one... I cannot bear the limitation because, for me, almost everything depends on context. I have strong preferences, yes, but my favourite today, in this setting, won't necessarily be my favourite tomorrow if presented with a new situation and array of choices. I do my best. I have only three favourite colours and could probably narrow it down to a 'top ten' in most categories of stuff if I had to... but just one? Can't do it. And my lists change.

Some may see this as indecisive, flighty, or fickle even - I have battled with this myself. I admire the focus of those who can hone in on something singularly and direct all their attention at it. It's wonderful to see what can be achieved in those circumstances. But it's just not me. I reserve the right to be and do many things, often simultaneously, to change, and to change my mind*. I will never be a specialist and for that reason, probably never 'the best' at any thing. This used to worry me enormously. Now I prefer to see it as an expression of a Renaissance soul, the Renaissance being a time when being multi-faceted was actively encouraged and enthusiastically pursued. I find there are a lot of Renaissance souls who inhabit the blogosphere and that's one of the things I love most about it. Anyway, I digress... see, so easily distracted.

The annual word has been something that I've found does allow me to focus on one idea or concept to the extent that I am able. I know a lot of people experience the value of the practice and I encourage anyone who has never done so to give it a go. It's a powerfully simple thing. One of the things I love about it is that within a single carefully selected word there can still be variety and nuance. It reminds and holds me steady but allows me freedom at the same time to explore and grow over the course of a year. The annual word has worked magic for me.

So, last year my word chased me down at strange times and in strange places, and chose me. I resisted a bit (it's not an obvious 'me' word) but it felt right. In every way. Sparkle. A word to conjure with... 

Yeah. No. 2010 was probably my least sparkly year ever. There were very, very brief flashes but overall it was more of a fizzle than a sparkle. I did not feel in way light, effervescent or fiery. Sometimes the universe has its own ideas.

When I started to think about my word for this year, I wondered if I needed a word that gave me room to grow and heal quietly, to take it slowly. Unfold made it onto the list. Also, enfold. Glow was another option. Or renew. All more gentle words. But none felt exactly right. Knocking around in the back of my mind, the word sparkle kept showing up and waving at me, with both hands... perhaps it felt I hadn't given it enough of a chance, or that both of us were thwarted by events beyond our control. I don't know. But it wouldn't go away. And I decided not to ignore it.

So, in an unprecedented move, I'm choosing to go with it for a second year. Sparkle is my word for 2011. Again.

I do wonder if I might regret this decision: Perhaps I just don't have the sparkle in me anymore and no amount of looking or trying will make it happen? Perhaps I'm expecting too much? I know I yearn for it though and in good moments I can still work up a reasonable twinkle. But then, perhaps the darkness of last year will allow it to be found more readily and enjoyed more keenly this year? Perhaps I'll be more inclined to seek it out, truly invite it in and take a chance on it this time? Perhaps all I learnt from it last year is to keep striking the tinder, and this is part of that; sticking with it for a second round in hopes of an actual flame? Maybe it's just sheer bloody-mindedness and a refusal to settle for less? I don't know. But it feels like sparkle and I have a journey yet to travel together. All those reasons it felt true and right to me last year, still apply. If anything, I feel I need it more than ever now.

I take it as auspicious that when I was searching through my collection for quotations to encapsulate my wishes for the year ahead, I pulled out eleven. Eleven! All of them speak to me deeply in some way though and I've decided to go with that too. Sparkle allows for a bit of overthetopness, don't you think? In fact, that's kinda the point in some situations, isn't it? So instead of narrowing them down as I usually do, I'm kicking off two thousand and eleven with all eleven. I'm starting as I mean to go on...

I'm also planning to post, once a month, a list of the ways that sparkle has manifested in my life over the month - to help me with the process of spotting those more fleeting moments even in the dark times, and to maintain focus. I have a dinner party planned for February (surely the darkest time of year in the Northern hemisphere after months and months and months of winter?) the theme of which is going to be sParKLe. And I have a list of several mini projects up my sleeve to encourage creative sparkly expression throughout the year, a couple of which I might enlist some help with, from those who live in the world of sparkle much more easily than I. This morning I cut up an incredibly beautiful glittery calendar of 2010 sent to me by Linda Sue, framed some of my favourite images, and have hung them up in my art space... I have little bits of glitter all over me as I write this. And I love that.

As on the outside, so on the inside.

Sparkle on 2011... I insist.

*♥*


*The only exception to this rule seems to be the way I feel about people. Once I open my heart to someone, it's a forever thing. That doesn't always serve me well.

Basta!

A beautiful sunset that was mistaken for a dawn.

Claude Debussy

(1862-1918)

Softly the evening came. 

The sun from the western horizon 

Like a magician extended his golden wand o'er the landscape; 

Trinkling vapors arose; and sky and water and forest 

Seemed all on fire at the touch, and melted and mingled together.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

(1807-1882)

What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.
T.S. Eliot
(1888-1965)

I never became fluent enough in Italian to think or dream in the language but this morning (well, actually it was almost afternoon) I was standing in the shower (where some of my best thinking and insightful moments occur) and this one word just popped into my head, loudly and clearly, "Basta!" 

Enough! 

It's almost my own personal New Year - my Birthday month - always a time of reflection and renewal and this year I seem to have started that process slightly earlier than usual. The shout in my mind today, I am sure, is part of this. I am being called to action. By my own voice.

It reminded me of a book I acquired a while ago - several years ago now, a gift from a friend who'd benefited from it and wanted to share that gift with me - Soul Coaching, by Denise Linn. I wasn't really in the right space to work through the 28 day programme at the time and I read the first chapter, flicked through the rest and then put it on my book shelf. But one thing that stuck with me even from that cursory look, and has ever since, is this notion of listening in to our inner voice, the soul's voice. Clearly mine is so desperately trying to attract my attention that it has started shouting at me in foreign languages.

And it's right, it's enough already. This has been a horrible year - lots of sadness, frustration and change of the kind not freely chosen. There have been some good moments too, of course, but not enough to balance the scales. I am ready for my next year to be different. To be better.

And that's up to me. I know that. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to achieve this and there's a long list of things that need to change but to begin with I'd like to:

Stop:~

~ wishing my Mondays to Fridays away
~ spending weekends recovering in my pyjamas, trying to sleep off the week before whilst dreading the week to come
~ carrying a big knotted bundle of sadness around all the time

Start:~

~ taking better care of myself again because much as I love tea and toast with honey, I'm not sure it qualifies as an entire diet
~ being a better friend because there's been a lot more receiving than giving going on, for a long time
~ working out how to free myself to travel for pleasure more

Continue:~

~ seeking things, daily, to be thankful for
~ blogging and enjoying the amazing, caring, creative, wise, inspiring people it's brought into my life
~ hoping but not relying on hope alone to make things better

Time for the sun to set on this year...

Dashed against rocks...

Ocean waves are the only things I can think of offhand that are actually beautifully enhanced by that experience. People usually don't do so well.

This week I feel I learnt a few wave lessons:

~ Use the immovability of the rock and my forward momentum to launch myself further into the air where I can be seen more clearly by those standing on shore and take on a new direction.

~ If I leave the encounter having taken on a different form, that's not necessarily a bad thing - sometimes the new shape is bigger and bolder and better than I'd anticipated.

~ Some of my energy will be lost to fine spray - let it go.

~ Sometimes I'll just need to flow around the rock rather than try to go through it, or over it.

~ Eventually, rocks become pebbles, and pebbles become sand - waves are patient and don't give up.

Right now though, the tide's out and this wave is going to finish off her week more quietly and calmly. Ebb and Flow. Next week... some more wave action to take, no doubt.

Happy Friday, happy weekend lovely ones!
♥

What does it take...

...to be a writer? Or perhaps, more accurately... for me to consider myself a writer? To call myself a writer?

I write. A lot. I write for work, I write for pleasure. I correspond, I journal, I blog. I write reports, presentations, learning materials, newsletters, essays, online columns... sometimes even the occasional really bad poem or story. Fiction is not necessarily my forte and I tend not to share much of that. But words pour out of me. Hundreds, sometimes thousands of words. Daily.

I don't remember learning to read. I remember pretending to read out loud and making up the story from the pictures I was looking at, and then, I could read. I don't remember the process of learning to do it and now it feels like I've always been able to, in the same way as I cannot remember a time before I was able to walk or swim. But I clearly remember learning to write. Practicing the letters, joining them together into things that meant something and then into groups of things that meant something more. I remember discovering the freedom of being able to express myself through words on a page. And I've been writing ever since. 

So why is it that I find it so hard to think of myself as a writer? Let alone say it out loud? Writing a book is a dream that crystalised in my head when I was about fourteen and I received some encouragement from an English teacher who nurtured our words and helped us channel and craft our adolescent emotion and imagination into stories.  He made me believe that I might one day write and publish something other people would enjoy reading too and, ever since, I have had on my lifelist, write a book, be a writer.

Strangely, the fact that when I was at school I had my stories and poems published in the school magazine, was awarded prizes and asked to represent the school in writing competitions, did not count. When I was at University I wrote for the student newspaper, published newsletters for special interest groups, and had a story collected into a book along with some others by my peers. But that did not count. Does not count. I lost confidence in my ability and I struggled to say, I write. I am a writer. And I still do.

The dream was placed where dreams often are, in the distant future.

But this is the distant future. What am I waiting for? And what will it take? Those of you who've been sharing this space with me for a while know this about me - I have on my list for this year: 

• write a proper outline for my first book
• start writing the book

And several of you have actively and openly encouraged me to do it. Cheered me on and helped me dust off the dream. For that I cannot thank you enough. Just this morning, a lovely friend mentioned a character that she feels I should include in The Book. And there's where I come unstuck. Because as soon as I start to think about that, I start to hear this voice in my head say, Who do you think you are? A writer?! A Writer?!? Let's just say that this voice knows how to deliver a verbal sneer.  And it's crushing.

So I haven't written an outline. Most days I don't know what I want to write a book about. All my ideas feel paltry. I write notes, I gather thoughts, I read about writing, I throw down a few words and then delete them, I stall. And yet, the urge to write remains. Cannot be denied. And I don't want this to be one of those dreams that stays forever in the distant future. Something I might regret. I don't believe in regret.

So. A month ago, I joined a writing group. Eight people, some published, some not, but all with an interest in and a love of writing. We meet once every six weeks and, next week, I will be presenting my first piece for review. I'm terrified. Sick to my core terrified. But if I don't try, I'll never know if this is something I can do or not. Who knows what might come of it? Perhaps the books will emerge. Perhaps not. But I will be writing. And people will be reading it. And that's a start.

And then I think to myself, what does it take to be a writer? To consider myself a writer? To call myself a writer? The answer really is simple: writing, a published medium, a reader... 

I write. There's a button that says publish. You're here. You read. Writer, publisher, reader. Perhaps I am a writer after all? 

I am. I am a writer. I am a Writer. No, I am a writer. Big, capitalised labels scare me. But that's okay. I am a writer. For the moment, that works.

Now, about that outline...

A moment of contemplation - finding peace?

I do not want the peace that passeth understanding. I want the understanding which bringeth peace.

Helen Keller

(1880-1968)

Peace is not the absence of anything. Real peace is the presence of something beautiful.

Prem Rawat

(1957-)

[Flickr credits]

Thankful every day

Sunrise

I believe in every-day gratitude.  It's a habit I've tried hard to cultivate but I don't always succeed in exercising. Sometimes I lose sight of all that I have to be thankful for and get bogged down in the things that make me sad and frustrated and angry. The things I've lost. The things I wish for and don't have. The goals I haven't reached. The opportunities I've failed to grasp. The dreams I haven't even properly entertained, let alone made real.

We are encouraged to be constantly looking for the next thing to achieve....  And I do think there's value in considering what I still want to do, see, learn...  even acquire... in visualising experiences and things to strive for, in planning, and in allowing room for change, and to grow. 

But I think if you look only at what you haven't yet achieved, or what you've lost, or evaluate by comparing yourself always to others who have done better or more, you end up living in a world measured entirely by what's lacking. You begin to notice only what's missing.  That's not a world that has at its heart all there is to be grateful for, or allows for living in the present rather than just looking to the past or to the future. And that's not a world I want to live in.

So I do reflect on what I have. Here and now. And there's so much. An abundance of loving souls, good things, great experiences, beautiful moments. Every day.

And oh how I love the idea of a holiday built on gratitude. And on the expression of gratitude. THIS is a holiday I can align myself with.  I didn't realise until this year that Canada celebrate Thanksgiving too and I can't understand how every nation doesn't dedicate a day to a holiday celebration like this?

So, although we don't officially celebrate Thanksgiving on this side of the Atlantic, I'd like to adopt the holiday for myself today (perhaps next year I'll borrow it from Canada if they don't object) and take the opportunity to give thanks. 

Thanks to those who love me and never fail to show it, even when I am remote and hard to reach. Thanks to those I love, who fill my heart and remind me I'm able to feel intense and unreserved joy. Thanks for all that I've had the opportunity to learn and see and do in my life, and all the opportunities to come. Thanks for the many comforts, simple and profound pleasures, that I enjoy every day. Thanks for the luxury of being able to pause to give thanks.

I'm sure I've quoted this before - it's one of my favourites - but today it seems particularly apt so I hope you'll forgive me for quoting it again, because I want to remind myself that...

A joyful spirit is evidence of a grateful heart

Maya Angelou

And to those of you who are officially celebrating Thanksgiving today, as well as those who are not, I wish you a peaceful day and an abundantly joyful spirit.

Sunset

A moment of contemplation - in need of balmy sleep!

Sleep... steal me awhile from mine own company.

William Shakespeare - A Midsummer Night's Dream

1564-1616

Tired nature’s sweet restorer, balmy sleep!

Edward Young

1683-1765

Insomnia visits occasionally... it's one of my less welcome guests.

Earth, sea and sky - a sense sublime

And I have felt
A presence that disturbs me with the joy
Of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime
Of something far more deeply interfused,
Whose dwelling is the light of setting suns,

And the round ocean and the living air,
And the blue sky, and in the mind of man:
A motion and a spirit, that impels
All thinking things, all objects of all thought,
And rolls through all things.

From 'Lines composed a few miles above Tintern Abbey'

William Wordsworth
1770-1850

Feeling a need to reconnect... Not sure how or where yet, so in the meantime, these pictures and a little lilting Wordsworth soothe my spirit.

And, as you might have noticed, I like photo mosaics. They appeal to the collage creative in me. So how wonderful that we are granted the pleasure of making them from all the beauty over at Flickr. I can get lost in there for hours... And that too is soothing - mosaic making meditation.

There are some people in the blogosphere who have raised making photo mosaics to a fine art.

I'm in awe of, inspired by, and aspire to this and this and especially these. Beautiful.

Photo credits: 1. Earth from above, 2. Cool Clouds, 3. If at first you don't succeed..., 4. Bali - Wedding Chapel I, 5. Sunset on the Panthéon, 6. na imensidade, 7. Finished work, 8. Prayer, 9. Sun and Signs

A moment of contemplation

A joyful spirit is evidence of a grateful heart

Maya Angelou

{Spiral stained glass window - photo via Flickr}

A moment of contemplation

To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury; and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common.

This is to be my symphony.

William Henry Channing
1810-1884

Mine will probably be a little song rather than a symphony but I'll be happy with that.

Happy Friday!