The most important kind of freedom is to be who you really are. You trade in your reality for a role, you give up your ability to feel and, in exchange, put on a mask.
Jim Morrison
(1943-1971)
There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.
Plato
(428 BC-348 BC)
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Terry Pratchett
(1948)
Plato
(428 BC-348 BC)
Sometimes it's easy to wear a mask. Liberating even. It can be fun too. Like when I go to a fancy dress party or a masked ball or just behave slightly out of my usual character. There's something very freeing about being able to play a role, adopt a different persona, or explore a part of my personality that's not often revealed (although arguably the latter is more about showing an alternative face rather than putting on a strange mask). I don't do it often but when I do, I really enjoy it.
But then there's the other kind of mask. The one that's required in order to blend in, to get a job done, to keep what needs to stay inside, inside.
This kind of mask is not nearly as much fun to wear for too long. It's ultimately exhausting and cannot be maintained without doing some damage to the person underneath.
I think most would agree, including me, that masks like this are potentially dangerous and should be, if not altogether avoided, quickly set aside. The reality though is that sometimes they are necessary to move through the world. I don't live a life where I can afford to ignore all expectations and I haven't yet worked out exactly how to make a living in an environment where being entirely myself is valued. So every week, between Monday and Friday, I don the mask and I head out to earn my rent. I'm not bad at it either. I convince many and sometimes I even convince myself. Some days, good days, I'm fortunate and I still catch sight of a place where the real me and the professional me intersect and there is nothing sweeter than when that happens. Nothing sweeter. But it happens less and less and I'm starting to feel like the mask is wearing me.
I think I need to clarify that it's not an altogether ugly mask. And I don't say that just to defend my wearing of it. Objectively, I can see why it would be something that many would find appealing and for many more, no mask would be required at all to fulfill the role. It does good work, it gets stuff done, it brings something to the workplace that's useful and in some areas it even excels at doing so. I don't hate it completely. If I'm absolutely honest, there's a part of me that now finds the habit of wearing it and the protection it affords me easier to face than the vulnerability that not wearing it often involves.
But, spend eight hours or more every weekday in disguise and it's bound to start playing havoc with the psyche underneath. It's lonely for one thing. It drains the spirit and it starts to blur lines that should be more clearly drawn. It's now at the point where not wearing the mask, even outside of work, leaves me feeling exposed because I'm increasingly unused to not being behind it. So with or without it, I'm struggling. When I lie awake at night, anxious and angry, much of that anger is turned in on myself. For not being stronger, braver, more willing to compromise, less willing to compromise.
I know the realists in the world would say, just suck it up, paint on a smile if necessary and get on with it. That's life. Or, stop whining and have the courage to discard the mask and take what comes. And I am practiced enough at realism that I see their point. I do. But I am an idealist by nature. I am an optimist by nature. And I am tired, tired, tired of denying my core for the sake of pragmatism and to live in a cynical world. I'm losing myself.
They say the first step to making a change is identifying a goal. Knowing what you want. Knowing who you are and what strengths you bring to it. I do. And I do. But how much longer will I be able to hold on to that? I feel it slipping away.
I also know that the only person who can make a change is me. I'm realistic enough not to expect to be saved from the situation, or saved from myself. I've started to consider alternatives and I've started to explore some of these but I have concerns: I might have left it too late and I fear it might take longer than I have; I don't have the energy it requires; I am unsure I can manage it alone, and I am uncertain of all the steps to take from here to there. Maybe I should just be thankful for where I am and get on with it. Settle for a mask that isn't all that ugly. I have no idea. And I don't know how, in this state of neither here nor thereness to gain or maintain perspective.
Putting on the mask becomes harder and harder to do. Or is it easier and easier?
Either way, tomorrow's Monday... and that scares me.
But then there's the other kind of mask. The one that's required in order to blend in, to get a job done, to keep what needs to stay inside, inside.
This kind of mask is not nearly as much fun to wear for too long. It's ultimately exhausting and cannot be maintained without doing some damage to the person underneath.
I think most would agree, including me, that masks like this are potentially dangerous and should be, if not altogether avoided, quickly set aside. The reality though is that sometimes they are necessary to move through the world. I don't live a life where I can afford to ignore all expectations and I haven't yet worked out exactly how to make a living in an environment where being entirely myself is valued. So every week, between Monday and Friday, I don the mask and I head out to earn my rent. I'm not bad at it either. I convince many and sometimes I even convince myself. Some days, good days, I'm fortunate and I still catch sight of a place where the real me and the professional me intersect and there is nothing sweeter than when that happens. Nothing sweeter. But it happens less and less and I'm starting to feel like the mask is wearing me.
I think I need to clarify that it's not an altogether ugly mask. And I don't say that just to defend my wearing of it. Objectively, I can see why it would be something that many would find appealing and for many more, no mask would be required at all to fulfill the role. It does good work, it gets stuff done, it brings something to the workplace that's useful and in some areas it even excels at doing so. I don't hate it completely. If I'm absolutely honest, there's a part of me that now finds the habit of wearing it and the protection it affords me easier to face than the vulnerability that not wearing it often involves.
But, spend eight hours or more every weekday in disguise and it's bound to start playing havoc with the psyche underneath. It's lonely for one thing. It drains the spirit and it starts to blur lines that should be more clearly drawn. It's now at the point where not wearing the mask, even outside of work, leaves me feeling exposed because I'm increasingly unused to not being behind it. So with or without it, I'm struggling. When I lie awake at night, anxious and angry, much of that anger is turned in on myself. For not being stronger, braver, more willing to compromise, less willing to compromise.
I know the realists in the world would say, just suck it up, paint on a smile if necessary and get on with it. That's life. Or, stop whining and have the courage to discard the mask and take what comes. And I am practiced enough at realism that I see their point. I do. But I am an idealist by nature. I am an optimist by nature. And I am tired, tired, tired of denying my core for the sake of pragmatism and to live in a cynical world. I'm losing myself.
They say the first step to making a change is identifying a goal. Knowing what you want. Knowing who you are and what strengths you bring to it. I do. And I do. But how much longer will I be able to hold on to that? I feel it slipping away.
I also know that the only person who can make a change is me. I'm realistic enough not to expect to be saved from the situation, or saved from myself. I've started to consider alternatives and I've started to explore some of these but I have concerns: I might have left it too late and I fear it might take longer than I have; I don't have the energy it requires; I am unsure I can manage it alone, and I am uncertain of all the steps to take from here to there. Maybe I should just be thankful for where I am and get on with it. Settle for a mask that isn't all that ugly. I have no idea. And I don't know how, in this state of neither here nor thereness to gain or maintain perspective.
Putting on the mask becomes harder and harder to do. Or is it easier and easier?
Either way, tomorrow's Monday... and that scares me.
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15 comments:
i think we tend to wear masks for different aspects of our lives. today especially, my mask of professionalism helped me keep focus at work. i wanted a no-nonsense attitude today to keep me from breaking down and falling apart. I am usually very easy going and open at work, but my mask today helped me keep myself sane and keep the professional from the personal separate.
I know just how you feel and also understand the uncertainty about whether to change the mask or just get on with it, be ok with it because its not all bad. It's hard especially after the loss we have just suffered tho because you don't want to wait and waste anymore of the one life you have, knowing it can go at any moment, so suddenly. We all wear them but sometimes we are lucky enough to have people who know the face beneath the mask who love us unconditionally and that is what we must think of during the times when we feel we are slipping away and becoming nothing without the mask. Not true, remember the mask is the "fake", the "real" you is still there, quiet and waiting to blossom as it has again and again. It's never too late! :o) love you, D xxx
"Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages." And the Plato quote is great advise. Just don't let the mask become who you are. That makes for crazies.
bonjour beautiful you :)
I, too, understand deeply how you feel. It is amazing thing indeed to realize the voice of your true self is speaking to you, nudging you forward into more authentic expression. Terrifying, in some ways, but liberating.
Hey there beauty, wearing a mask like me the othere day...good or bad feeling I like what you've wrote (now and don't get me wrong here I do hear your feelings.)
But you're soul was not let down here on earth just to be pretty (couse that's what your truely are, I can drown in your eys) but to learn your lesson.
And tomorrow when you wake up starting a new week, think of your brother and talk to him, try to learn from what he was, who he was, always the uplifting one...he didn't show you this not to be used. He's letting you know: "You can do this" and I know he's right there at your side to guide you every step of the way through the week to wear your mask, practice and then slowly let your guards down.
I'll be thinking of you sweet Kenda.
ps. Love the pic. Warmest hugs ever Dagmar
I often feel like this-and it gets harder and harder to maintain. I read your last post with the same feeling. For quite different reasons probably but the feeling is essentially the same. Perhaps it is a mid life crisis?! I would love to stop doing what I am having to do and start doing what I really want to but truthfully the main thing that stops me is fear, and most of that is financial. Sad eh? Hope Monday goes ok despite mask wearing. x
A dilemma beautifully described, Kendalee. If one is conscious at all one sees the dilemma of living in the world of form and the apparent compromises to the spirit (or living a life "from the heart". But what if the dilemma is exactly what we are supposed to experience? Exactly what we need to sludge through? I found in my own life that judging myself is only more of the same. Judging myself (and being filled with despair, or anxiety, or anger) is just one more way not to see. But I also can't judge myself for feeling those emotions. They are also part of the process. I (you, we) am being my authentic self when we see that the dilemmas we have chosen into my life, are there for a reason -- an opportunity to become more of who I am. Look over the record of your blog for however long you've kept it -- it is most definitely a testimony to your authentic self. Keep questioning, keep seeing, keep creating -- and keep affirming who you are becoming! XOXO Virginia
first let me say i am positively enchanted with your eyes and hair the color of autumn!
and those are all you friend, no mask required.
that said, i totally get this and you have expressed it so beautifully with your written words (again, all you!). ken and i were having a discussion about a similar topic last night: basically how excited we were to be at the age when all our selves, all our histories, all our stories, started to integrate into a whole human spirit. we were using the metaphor of being actors going from play to play, troupe to troupe; the mask metaphor is very similar.
so what i'm reading here is your discomfort with this particular mask at this particular time and i do think you should pay attention to this. it's telling you that you have all you need...the talent, the time, the spirit, the support...to be authentically you. beautiful you.
I wish we lived nearer - I'd invite you over so you could browse through my library of books that try to answer the difficult question of how to manifest a job/career where you can be authentic and thrive. I think at the heart of it, it is value-based. We can get careers that sound great - to other people - but if they don't align with our values, we can end up feeling empty and lost.
I loved my nursing mask - it made me calm.
It is a beautiful photo and nice to see you in it! I don't have advice regarding masks....I have my own collection.
Oh Kenda! It sounds as if you are caught in a web of sorts, too!
I used to wear the mask for work as well. It was very difficult for me. The older I get the harder it becomes to wear the mask. It took a big job change for me to be able to leave the mask at home. Now I sort of refuse to wear it. There are times when I put it on for the sake of comfort and ease, but my position now allows me to work one-on-one with children. And children don't like masks at all. So, luckily, I don't need it for them.
I am sure that you are great at what you do for a living. I hope that you are able to find happiness there... mask or no mask. I hate that feeling of Sunday dread...I wish I had something magic to say to make it all work out in your favor!!
warm wishes to you as always!! Suzy
Fortunately I don't have that problem of wearing a mask every day now. I had to think about this post and come back to it. I thought I didn't wear a mask when I used to work, but then I remembered how some mornings, I found it very difficult to get out the door, so I suppose those days I donned a mask. These days I don't have to so much. But maybe I could do with one in order to achieve some of my goals.
I understand this. Everything you said about the mask at work reminded me of, well, me just a few months ago. It wasn't limited to work. It came with me almost everywhere and, at times, it really felt like my well-being was at risk. I ended up quitting on good terms and now I'm attempting this writing thing. It was the restlessness and un-fulfillment that was making me crazy...all the mask-wearing...so, I took a leap. I don't know what you should do. It isn't my place to say, but I want you to know you're not alone. Because this kind of thing can make you feel so lonely.
I also want to say that you wrote this so beautifully. I was with you in every word.
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