Anairam's Senses
Last year, some might remember, there was a giveaway... Anairam won a gift box designed to interpret her sensory favourites and I had a wonderful time collecting goodies to send her. I also promised to make her something to accompany it, which I had great fun starting but didn't manage to finish before Christmas as I'd hoped to.
It is with not inconsiderable embarrassment, that I have to admit this has been sitting on my desk ever since, nearly but not quite ready to go. Alongside it, a project for another dear friend, also awaiting final attentions and long overdue. And a third next to that, an edible Birthday present that was due so long ago that it's already past its 'best before' date, waiting merely to be wrapped and taken to the post office.
Yesterday I finished Anairam's at last and it went in the mail today. E's mini-book will be finished next weekend and be posted shortly thereafter. And the Birthday gift will be repurchased and sent next week too.
The people involved have been incredibly lovely and very patient and I hope they'll think it was worth the wait. But it's worried me. It worries me. This behaviour.
It's been getting worse over the course of the last year (or two) but it's actually very out of character for me not to get things like this done. I can procrastinate with the best but it's not like me to miss deadlines or to put off things that I like to do. And I like to do this. In fact, I enjoy few things more than considering the perfect gift, finding (or making) it, and then wrapping it up prettily. Particularly if it's for someone special. It's something that gives me great pleasure. And something I am usually a lot better at. Although I can come up with many reasons or excuses, none are really adequate to explain why I have not found or made the time to complete these projects before now. It's just bad form. And I'm sorry for it.
It might seem like a relatively little thing but gift-giving is one of the small ways I show people that I care for them. It's important to me to remember significant dates and mark them thoughtfully, and to celebrate special events in the lives of people in my life. And I don't believe in making promises I don't keep. My not doing these things is symptomatic of an imbalance I've allowed to develop around where I place my energy - away from fun, away from things that matter to me. And I would never do this in my professional life so why have I allowed myself to do it in my personal life?
Anyway, taking advantage of my lovely weekend alone, and in the spirit of achieving a more integrated me this year, I began to change this. And I found that in some cases this will involve resurrecting parts of me that I have let fade away - changing back. Not looking back, not dwelling on the things that can't be changed but changing behaviours that don't serve me well and even returning to those that have, and do. And I want to hold myself accountable here, and apologise. And then move on.
I'm sorry. Truly. I promise to try to be better.
It's a new week friends. And I'm a teeny step closer to the old-new me. It feels good.
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9 comments:
I empathize. I can let things sit for days and weeks; things that would take maybe 30 minutes to do. I can't explain it either because normally I am very task oriented and organized. I also understand the guilt that comes with this. I'm glad you knocked those things off your list...it feels good, no?
I'm certain your gift recepients will be delighted and the wait just made it that much more anticipated.
in my humble opinion you are being too hard on yourself. feeling (and being) scattered happens to the best of us. especially this time of year. at least that's what i tell myself... :)
also, i have been tagged and am tagging you in return! the subject is "show your desk"....
i so agree with Laura. You are scolding yourself when really no body would ever feel slighted or forgotten if your gifts were late in coming. No- everyone is grateful that you are even on this earth at the same time as they are.
I do know how you feel and have felt this myself, however, I get over it quickly. When I forgive myself the things usually get sent. Odd ,that.
It looks like Anairam is going to be a lucky girl!
Oh, I am SO excited, Kendalee! I do not mind one tiny little bit that it was left for a while on your desk - it is a gift after all, and for me gifts do not fall into the category of Deadline Projects. I am an arch procrastinator, terrible really, and I do understand that one has to be in exactly the right mood and space to do certain things. Be a bit easier on yourself! And thank you very very much - the mosaic above looks delicious! DELICIOUS!!
I have a little something that I should have done weeks ago and it has been completely neglected. I hear ya!
But, have some grace for yourself. Procrastination happens to the best of us. :)
Again, I so empathize. This procrastination thing is worrisome and a nuisance at its best, and even more so when it spills over into those areas of our lives that are connected to our hearts and souls. I have lost count of the number of times where I have NOT sent a present or thought simply because I have felt so guilty for doing it so late.
But you know what? These days I'd rather give a late but thoughtfully put together present over something that's on time but given without thought. And that's how I like to receive, too.
You are a giver from your heart, Kenda, that's all that matters :)
Kenda you keep surprising me. Your ability to be so honest about your vulnerabilities and weaknesses is refreshing and inspiring. This post poked a few pokes at my own areas that need addressing. Thank you for that.
You are being hard on yourself!! Be gentle with yourself and give yourself plenty of time to heal!!
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