I'm noticing...

I've been here for just over a month now. So, true to my introversion, it's time for a bit of reflection. This is what I'm noticing:

~: Unwinding is uncomfortable. My emotions are all over the place. I liken it to the sensation of blood returning to a limb I've been leaning on for too long... actually quite painful sometimes. But in that way that I know will be good in the long run if I can just get through the horrible pins & needles phase.

~: I LOVE being able to participate in the small daily routines of my family and friends (like taking the children to school or having more than one cup of tea over a long and leisurely chat) instead of just the big life-event stuff or squeezed-in-to-too-small-a-social-gap-because-time's-short stuff that's usually what I get to share when I'm over. Whatever the new life-plan looks like, making time for more of this is essential. That means a whole new working pattern.

~: Having the sea nearby nourishes me in a way that I can't really describe. No surprises here but I am just struck again by how profound this is. Really, time to stop putting off the dream of getting that regular exposure to the ocean back into my life. I have no idea how I'm going to manage this (or the one above) but, somehow, putting the intention out there feels right.

~: My stress-provoking, anxiety-ridden habits have become more deeply ingrained than I ever imagined - even struggling to just chill out and stop counting hours, days, weeks... I know it's counter-productive but I can't seem to stop!

~: Haven't managed to break bad sleep patterns and bad dream cycles yet either but the vivid dreams are a sign at least that there's stuff being processed at an unconscious level. I think that's good. I'm keeping a dream diary. Who knows what insights and wisdoms might be lurking in there? Or maybe that airborne green squid-like thing that was trying to eat me last night, really is just about fear of airborne green squid-like things?!

~: The good thing about sleeplessness is that I am devouring books - reading everything I can lay my hands and eyes on. Fiction, non-fiction... new stuff, old stuff... I'm in a hunter-gatherer reading phase and loving it. Several of the recommendations made by people here and offline have been a wonderful surprise, as they're not necessarily things I'd have chosen or stumbled across by myself, and they've been great - thank you! If anything else comes to mind, please do share...

~: I'm writing again. And playing with my camera. And enjoying both. This feels immense.

~: My twitter stream is evolving. The tweeps and tweets that seem to pop out at me and provoke a desire to respond are shifting slightly and those I'm newly drawn to follow are definitely shifting. My 'filters' are adjusting. Good. A change of perspective is exactly what I am after.

~: Apropos of the above, I'm finding it a challenge to know how to keep the "work" me (she's the occasional tweeter) and the me that plays here in the blogosphere, separate, whereas I've always found it quite easy to draw those lines before: work = mostly considered-head extroverted, non-work = mostly creative-heart extroverted. Both are me but with a different focus & different platforms for connecting.

It's starting to feel increasingly messy and blurred though and this is probably good if I want to realign and strive for better integration of personal and professional. What personal vs. professional might mean in my future feels like it's shifting too and I am uncertain what this will mean for the way I engage online. Just not sure how I'll transition it all. My current bosses follow me on twitter, for example, as do several of my colleagues, and I admit I'm a little uncomfortable now when I want to shout out loud (i.e. tweet)... "I feel freeeeeeeee! I feel meeeeeeeee!". I'm sure it'll work itself out. I'll work it out. Just interesting to observe for now.

~: There are some people who will just never get it. Get me. Luckily for me, there seem to be some who do! Thankful for you guys. Very.

~: Doing this is the best thing I've ever done for myself, so far. Selfish yes, but I believe in a good way. Despite all the turmoil it's causing inside, I think I might be saving my own life.