Passion, sanctuary and a song

I knew fairly early in my career that I was not naturally inclined towards success in a corporate environment. I found that I could function there, even excel if I put my mind to it, and I did quite well. But I did not flourish. There was a fundamental disconnect between my inner world and my outer behaviours. I was not motivated by the things that drive those who are fulfilled in that sphere. My heart was not in it and I was never going to find meaning or satisfaction as long as I stayed and played the game. So I got out. I went into learning and development, which I loved and was passionate about, and after a while I took a leap and worked for myself for several extremely satisfying years. Facilitating the unlocking of someone's potential was and remains the most satisfying thing I can imagine myself doing. Although it was hard work and often uncertain, I was happier than I had ever been. But then, for reasons that required I take on something less unpredictable and challenging for a while, I went back into full-time employment. And I was very clear about what I was and wasn't looking for, and where I might find it.

I wanted to stay in learning and development but the context was important. I worked deliberately to resist taking an easy route back into a corporate space, moving into the voluntary and not-for-profit sector and finding a role within it that allowed me to do what I love, and feel less like a square peg in a round hole. Finding somewhere my skills fitted and I could feel my personal and professional values were more closely aligned with those of the organisation, and where I might feel less like what I wanted (which did not include climbing as high up the management structure as possible as quickly as possible) would be seen as a lack of ambition or aspiration. I took on a role that came with less freedom, lower perceived status, some of the frustrations of working in a organisation that occasionally moves painfully slowly to change, and certainly less financial reward but where I felt that I was making a meaningful and positive difference. I know that this decision was misunderstood by many (some very close to me) but I do not judge this. I do not say one situation is better than another. Just that one was more for me than the other. Integrity is what I was after, and personal and professional alignment is what I believed I had achieved.

Imagine my disappointment then when no more than about a year into this new role I started to feel the discomfort of that square peg situation again. The reasons are quite different this time but now, three years on, the discomfort's not much less acute, in fact more so in some ways. I am not a quitter and I essentially love what I do (and what we do as an organisation) but I am feeling limited and constrained by the scope of this particular role and the frustration associated with that has started to become unbearable. For the past year it has been absolutely suffocating and despite efforts to prevent the slide, I'm as demotivated and dispirited as I've ever felt in my work.

Change is the inevitable solution. I either need to change myself or my situation but what does this change look like for me now? If I can't make this work for me, what do I do next? If I truly don't fit in here anymore, where do I belong?

Honestly, I am not sure.

For the past few days I have been attending an event as part of a leadership programme I'm involved in and through exposure to what this entails, some of my thoughts are becoming woolier and woolier, rather than clearer as I'd hoped they might. But some things remain very clear to me.

I have a good head and it serves me well but I am essentially heart driven. Without love and passion, for me success and fulfilment in the workplace, as in any other area of life, are doubtful or dubious. I believe I still have the vocational love, but the passion needs some life breathed back into it. Without it I can do a good job but I can’t do a great job and I am not prepared to settle for any less for any longer. But I also can't afford to do anything rash and so packing a small bag and running off to live on a beach, tempting as that might be as a short-term solution, is not really an option. So I have to find a way to fall IN love again with what I do and to express that love within the organisation in a way that they can accommodate. If this proves impossible, I probably do need to consider moving on but that would not be my first choice, at least not for a while yet.

In order to do this, to re-ignite the fire, I believe I need to be focussing more time and energy on what I truly care about, spending time in my loved one’s company as it were, with a view to rediscovering the things that drew us together in the first place all those years ago.

Seems straightforward enough, right? Err, apparently not. I seem at a loss as to exactly how to do this, where to start... and none of the ideas that come to mind really move or excite me. Any thoughts most welcome. Truly. It's a long time since I've fallen in love anew with anything, and it seems I've forgotten how.

On a slightly different but not entirely unrelated note, and probably as a result of my current emotional state, which seems to be making everything more charged with significance than ever, two things during my time away this week really struck me:

The first was prompted by a visit to Durham Cathedral, where I encountered the sanctuary knocker in the photograph above. The story goes that in Medieval times anyone, usually criminals and outlaws, who made it to the cathedral doors and reached the knocker would be granted asylum, without question, protected and taken care of and given thirty-seven days to get their affairs in order, even if this meant that they arranged their own exile from the country to escape the ultimate penalty and sentence of law. Not that I am advocating that anyone (especially criminals) be given a free pass but given that some of the crimes these people might be accused of included things like idleness, witchcraft, or being a scold, it seems to me a death sentence was perhaps a bit extreme, and this is often what they were running away from. Something about this idea of being granted virtually unconditional sanctuary really touched me. I think it would be so great if there was a way that we could take a time out like this. An opportunity to stop running and take stock before moving on in a new direction. An opportunity to start afresh.

Secondly, I heard this song by Lily Frost yesterday and when I arrived home last night, I looked it up on YouTube (where I discovered it's the theme song for a TV programme that I'm not familiar with). I listened to the song again and suddenly, in one of those weird, uncontrolled and spluttery moments, I just burst into tears. It's strange because it's a cheerful little melody really but obviously something about the theme of self-actualisation in the lyrics quite literally struck a chord within me. I listened to it again, and typed the words up as it played.  The last time I did this was probably when I was a teenager or, at least, a student. Times in my life when I was filled with passion. Perhaps there's a lesson here...

All I ever wanted to be - Lily Frost

it's clearer inside of me
who i will always be
here at the core of my heart
mystics & cynics & crystals & memories
beginning to line up the stars
shining a light in the night
raising a veil from my eyes
waking me up to the light in my life, cause of my strength,
some of my dreams,
and everything i ever wanted to be

here i am
this is me,
where i'll be
in the dark
in the light
in the wrong
in the right

karma is energy,
give me my destiny
everything happens for a reason
every choice that i make, changes the course i take
won't be afraid when i make mistakes

open my arms and give in
do it all over again
do it all over again
do it all over again
again and again
to get to the end
of who i am now,
i'm gonna find the answers
and yes i know how
i know i can be the sum of my dreams
and everything i ever wanted, everything i ever wanted to be

here i am
this is me
who am i?
wait and see...