Seeking the Spice...

As in the variety that adds flavour to life. I would say, the variety that is life for me. Life as opposed to existence. Bread is good. I LOVE bread. But a cinnamon bun... now that's what lifts a day into the realms of special. And I like special. I like cinnamon. And vanilla. And nutmeg. And cloves...

I know what they taste like and I crave them. I need more spice.

I understand that it has something to do with the season. The awakening and reawakening that Spring brings. Most years it manifests itself in me as a vague restlessness - a breeze that blows across the landscape of my life, brings the tantalizing smell of spices on the air, and calls me out to enjoy them. This year it's arrived like a storm. Demanding I take notice.

I need a change. I need to make a change. And it feels like it needs to be a fundamental one. Not just a brief visit to a happy place, an occasional afternoon of splashing paint on canvas, or an extra helping of crème brûlée. Although all of these things do contribute to a delicious life.

I'm thinking perhaps a move to a spice infused island... or to a house on cinnamon street... or how about opening a bakery? Or the equivalent. You get the idea. Something that alters or impacts on the every day in every way.

What alerts me to this need?

Probably the clearest indicator is the 3am wide-awake-and-staring-at-the-ceiling sessions I've been enjoying for months now. I miss being able to sleep soundly. In the past, when I've been unhappy or concerned, I've typically slept too often and too long. Now I don't sleep enough, or properly. And I can't ignore it any more. I'm exhausted. No matter how successfully I manage to avoid looking at things in daylight, how busy I keep myself, my subconscious never lets me ignore issues that really need tackling for long. And it seems to have adopted those quiet, dark hours to remind me of them. Not that it’s necessary to rely on a subliminal poke in the ribs at the moment. The way I feel about my current lifestyle is flashing in neon - BLAND. Not enough spice.

I've devoted pages to considering this in my journal - the whys and wherefores - and I won't rehash all of that navel-gazing here.

Just to say that I think most people create comfortable grooves in their lives and I believe we need those safe and familiar places. Appreciating the flavour in the simple, everyday is good. And I think acceptance of the here and now is good. But this isn’t about that.

I've spent the past few years concentrating on holding body and soul together - on the bread and butter. For a long time it took all my energy just to manage that much and I was happy for the distraction. But it allowed for no real planning beyond the day to day. Now my life is busy. Full even. I have much to be thankful for. And I am. But I know that I also need to look further ahead again and in that future I would like more of the variety that is the spice. And the courage to pursue it.

I recognise that if I don’t like where I’m at, the only person who can change it is me. I also recognise that it's probably not going to happen overnight.

But, if plans and actions begin in thoughts then I have made a start. My current mantra is: Be brave. Live consciously. Uphold integrity.

I think I need to add a fourth dimension: Seek spice.

[Flickr credits]