Home - getting to the heart of it

The notion of ‘home’ has always fascinated me. I believe it means different things to different people but recently I’ve become a little fixated with getting to the core of what it means for me, right now, at this point in my life.

I’m currently living in my 28th residence. At least, I’m living in the 28th place that I remember being settled in for more than 6 months. There may be one or two more that have been lost in the mists of dodgy or protective memory. One might say that I’ve had 28 homes but that doesn’t feel true to me. Some of these places felt like home, some really didn’t. When I consider what’s made the difference, it has little to do with how big or small they were, where they were in the world or how long they sheltered me. I only counted places I spent more than 6 months. It turns out this is not a useful criterion for me. I’ve felt more at home for one day on a beach or a week in a place with nothing but a suitcase than I have in some of the places that I’ve lived for many years. Sometimes it has to do with who I shared the space with but not always. So what is it that defines home?

So far what I know is:

~ It’s not where I come from although that’s indelibly etched in me.
~ It’s not always where I am, despite what other people say about that.
~ It’s definitely a feeling rather than a place but place is part of it. I sometimes feel very out of place and it’s hard to feel at home when that’s true.
~ It isn’t always where my heart is. My heart is spread across the globe with the people I love.
~ It isn’t always about having my own stuff around me but that helps. Even spreading my own sarong on a hotel bed makes it feel more like home.
~ I carry a little bit of all those other times and places I’ve felt at home with me and sometimes where I’m actually living feels closer to that and sometimes it feels quite far from it.
~ All the places I’ve felt at home have one thing in common - it’s where I’ve felt most comfortable being myself. Fully myself. Outwardly, as much as inwardly. I wish I could say that’s everywhere but it isn’t.

I’ve been musing on this for a while and then I came across this beautiful description which comes close to reflecting what it feels like to me (thank you Robyn Gordon for sharing this)

“The desire to go home that is a desire to be whole, to know where you are, to be the point of intersection of all the lines drawn through all the stars, to be the constellation-maker and the center of the world, that center called love. To awaken from sleep, to rest from awakening, to tame the animal, to let the soul go wild, to shelter in darkness and blaze with light, to cease to speak and be perfectly understood.” 

~ Rebecca Solnit

The desire to be whole. That feels true.

♡