dance of a painted lady: Enough IS enough

It's kinda amusing that I'm back here, starting to document a new project when the last post is a clear indicator of how well I sometimes stick to projects. The irony is not lost on me.

Nevermind, I am okay with that.

It's no secret to anyone who knows me that the past couple of years have been a bit "challenging", to use one of my least favourite corporatespeakbullshitbingo euphemisms. That's not to say it's all been awful. Or that I feel completely awful. There have been some really, really good things going on too. But, in the words of Matt Haig, "I feel a bit crap at the moment. And I mean that. Not like mega-crap. Just a low level malaise. Mild anxiety. Mild depression. With mental health we are encouraged to feel like we have to be 100% fine or 100% ill. Reality is nuanced. We often just feel mildly rubbish."

Not exactly what one would call: Thriving. #wordoftheyear2019

I've been 100% anxious and survived full-blown depression more than once so I know this is not that and I'm grateful to be able to recognise the difference. And yet, it's not a great place to hang out for any length of time; in the mild zone. Mild and mediocre levels of anxiety and depression are not fun and can all too easily spiral down. I feel the pull of that. I feel the teeter.

I've been reading a lot, as I always do. Working with my journal, as I always do. Holding conversations with myself and and my closest allies, as I always do. Dreaming and designing alternative realities, as I often do. Tinkering around the edges of shifting the malaise, as I often do. Testing ideas, holding on to some and discarding others, as I often do. Dabbling with some experiments and not seeing all of them through, as I sometimes do. Somewhere in all of that, this project has been brewing and my energy has slowly been building. Now, I'm tired. Sick and tired. Sick of feeling this low level hum of yuckiness and tired of standing on the brink of taking some concerted action. Now is the time - 1st of June - when it feels right and I feel ready to start it properly.

It's going to be an emerging and evolving project but at the heart of it is going to be a reset and renewal. A move, not just the thought of a move, out of the mild zone and into (I hope) properly thriving. I have no doubt it's going to be a bit bumpy but I've gathered my gear, have my survival skills honed, my companions on board, and am ready for the off.

All that by way of setting the scene for what's to come and the reason for being here, in this space: to document the thing. Openly. Even if only to the 3 people who stumble across this. That feels important. I will not dissect and share each and every thought, emotion and move here (that's what my journal is for) but my plan is to check in at the beginning of each month and note the major inspirations, actions, reflections from the month before and the intentions for the month to come.

So, here we go.

Project: Enough IS enough: A year of less, to determine what's enough and create space for more… (aka Transformation to Turtle Time)

Why: Designed to tackle my mental, emotional, physical and financial health by recalibrating what’s essential to me, enabling me to become even more conscious about my consumption - on all fronts. Some of it will involve inviting in more of things that enrich and bring joy but I’m also stripping right back on some things, especially to begin with.

Inspirations this month:

Family of my heart - all out there, living their own versions of a good life. Special shout out to my siblings both of whom are forging new paths with courage and grace right now and my friends, Deirdre, Elena and Katherine (also my business partner) all of whom support me endlessly and inspire me in so many ways through the examples they set in their own lives.
In the ether - Lisa Parks, for her garden and Beverly Ash-Gilbert & Robyn Gordon for their art - all three embody commitment to a lifestyle of beauty, colour and thoughtful-intent-come-to-fruition that I love to see. Also, Jo Garlike, a new friend who has been on a journey of her own over the past couple of years (still on it really) and whose determination and willpower astound me.
Meghan Genge and her particular magic - this month especially, the Enchantment Experiment. Second-time around and I've been feeling some deep shifts.
Sas Petherick - coach and extraordinarily perfect asker-of-questions and sounding board for me. So thankful our paths crossed. She witnessed the birthing of this project in a drawing of turtles.
Enough by John Naish - recommended by my brother several years ago. It has stuck with me and I revisited it recently.
A Year of Less by Cait Flanders - the audiobook I listened to this week that helped me put the last few touches on the project and push the green button on this. She has a fabulous 10 point preparation list that was especially helpful on some things for me.
The Seasonal Soul by Lauren Aletta - a beautiful recent addition to my bookshelf that articulated some of the things I hadn't been able to about what's been going on for me.
Matt Haig - author of Reasons to Stay Alive and one of my favourite accounts on Instagram - he cuts through the bs and noise around mental health like no other for me.
Jacinda Adern - PM of New Zealand. Good woman, good human. Responsible for a new version of WWJD? in our team.

Intentions this month:

Spending ~ Building on my year-long clothes-buying embargo from 2017/2018 with a broader shopping ban that means I will only be spending on essentials for the next 6 months, with a check in at that point to see if the rules need to change.

Essentials list: rent, utilities, food, toiletries (only when they run out, no stock-piling), gifts, my mum, donations to causes I already support (no new ones for now) and travel.

Explicit banned items list: clothes, shoes, accessories, books (this one will be very hard but I have a huge pile in-waiting to get through), stationery, art supplies, taxis for walkable distances (if it's light, dry, over 10 degrees C and I don't have luggage), take-away food and drink, online courses, entrance fees for exhibitions (there are SO many free things to see and do), subscriptions, candles, movies (online). I’ve created a few “golden tickets” so that, if it gets unbearable over the year, I can break into them for a mini-splurge (thanks to Katherine for this idea)!

Approved shopping list: includes things I already know I'll need to pay for that aren't essentials or just want to allow myself because this is not designed to be an austerity project - tickets for events I've already committed to, Kew Garden annual membership renewal, anything that breaks or wears out and can't be mended or borrowed and still needs replacing after 30 days of living without it (exception to this is tech for work), cinema or theatre (once a month), cost of clearing de-cluttered stuff.

Letting Go ~ Reduce the stuff I already own by at least 30%. Cut down my screen time by at least 50% (because this is completely out of control!) Palm oil & plastic - continuing to consciously weed them out of my life (a substantial ongoing challenge). Unsubscribe from all emails, websites, SoMe accounts that bring temptation or don't make me feel good.
Inviting In ~ My yoga mat, which has been gathering dust for weeks. Time outside in a green space or near water just for pleasure, at least once a week. Artist dates, at least one a month.

Anticipated challenges this month:

I am really NOT good with rules. I have a tendency to want to buck them, even when I’ve set them!
I don’t generally believe in denial as a mechanism of healthy control and even though I'm so conscious of how fortunate and privileged I am to be able to make some of these choices (the picture of "deprivation" I've described above is not exactly a hard life!) I know it will be hard to cut back on some of these things.
When I‘m not in a great space emotionally, many of the things I'm curtailing or letting go of are the things I have a tendency to turn to for a quick hit of comfort, gratification or numbing!

Progress this month: