Day Sixteen: I was not on a beach today. Or this week. This photo was taken by my mother just over a year ago but it feels so relevant today, on so many levels.
I’ve just spent a week participating in some deep developmental work with an amazing group of people in the middle of Oxfordshire. The focus of the work was primarily Use of Self as a way of supporting others to do their own work, at all levels of a system; individually, in groups, and at the whole-system level. It was incredibly enriching, challenging and validating all at the same time.
I have much to consider after the experience and I’ll be mulling and processing for a while yet but this photograph jumped out at me today because it’s a visual reminder of a few things that I don’t want to lose touch with after the week. None of these is surprising but I find I forget them or they fade into the background of my awareness:
One: The importance of showing up as myself (all of myself) and feeling accepted.
I’ve worn this colour-combo in my hair for exactly five years now. It was April 2013 when I first took the plunge and dyed this piece of my hair green, after hankering to do it for a while. I’d tried purple first and I quite like that but when I started doing the turquoise it’s as if, at long last, my head outside matched my head inside. My work is arguably quite creative but I also work in very conservative environments sometimes and although I don’t think of this as particularly weird, especially five years ago when rainbow-coloured hair was less commonplace, it definitely raised some eyebrows and drew some comments.
These days I hardly remember it’s there – it feels so much a part of me – but however small, it's undeniably a vital statement about who I am. Normally, I don’t really mind whether people like it or not, although it always makes me smile when others do seem to get a kick out of it. Some days it’s hardly even noticeable and I can tuck it out of sight all together if I’m going somewhere where I fear the PWI (Perceived Weirdness Index) will be too much for my clients. Although that rarely happens anymore. Ultimately, I do it for me.
One of the things that struck me this week, was how several people in the group mentioned this teal streak in my hair with appreciation, and how much I loved that they did. Somehow, it mattered to me that in this context the smallest of quirks felt accepted and was even enjoyed by others.
Two: Feeling at home in my space and my skin at the same time is still rare but so deeply satisfying when it happens.
Another thing this image triggered for me, is the fact that when it was taken, I was feeling truly at home in my space and my skin all at once. It’s a rare occurrence for me and I experienced that this week. With a bunch of strangers! That truly is a rare occurrence. I know I’ve met kindreds when that happens in the space of a couple of days and I can probably count on one hand the times in recent years when it has. This year I’ve already had a couple of those experiences. The trend is one I’m liking.
My recent trip to Costa Rica achieved that and the time I spend with the family of my heart always does that for me. But, pretty much most of the rest of the time, I feel a bit uncomfortable in both my space and my skin. When I do manage it the sunshine contributes, the setting contributes, the company contributes but mostly it has less to do with all of that, than what I feel about myself. Food for thought. What are the deeper, invisible things I need, to be able to inhabit myself so completely and comfortably? I have some hunches but I’ll have to get back with that.
Three: The power of my senses and sensations to connect me with my deepest emotions, and that I miss human touch.
The final thing, for now, is that when I look at this picture, I remember the physical sensations of the moment so vividly: the heat on my skin, the breeze, the sand underfoot, the sound and smell of the sea, and the tang of salt in my mouth. Not to mention the profound beauty of what I was seeing. I was stirred to tears by it all then and even now, as I recall it, I’m quite emotional. I was reminded this week of how being so absolutely and completely in the here and now can really connect me to my emotions in a way that I sometimes avoid and deflect and, even worse, don’t notice at all. This week… no chance of that. It was a week of sensory immersion and one of the things I experienced more than anything in a way that I almost never do, is the power of touch. Human touch. I realized that sometimes I can go months without it - not even a handshake. Hugs are rare. I’m generally not a hugger. Especially not with people who I'd consider strangers or barely acquaintances and that’s 99.9999999999999999 (recurring) % of the world . Even with some who I consider friends, I'm awkward when it comes to hugging. Most often I find hugs bestowed discomforting.
This week, hugs were unavoidable. It was a huggy group. And, actually, after the initial discombobulation they wrought, I enjoyed them. There is something about a well-timed and warmly shared hug that can be almost transformative. Perhaps I need to review my stance on hugs!
I’ve just spent a week participating in some deep developmental work with an amazing group of people in the middle of Oxfordshire. The focus of the work was primarily Use of Self as a way of supporting others to do their own work, at all levels of a system; individually, in groups, and at the whole-system level. It was incredibly enriching, challenging and validating all at the same time.
I have much to consider after the experience and I’ll be mulling and processing for a while yet but this photograph jumped out at me today because it’s a visual reminder of a few things that I don’t want to lose touch with after the week. None of these is surprising but I find I forget them or they fade into the background of my awareness:
One: The importance of showing up as myself (all of myself) and feeling accepted.
I’ve worn this colour-combo in my hair for exactly five years now. It was April 2013 when I first took the plunge and dyed this piece of my hair green, after hankering to do it for a while. I’d tried purple first and I quite like that but when I started doing the turquoise it’s as if, at long last, my head outside matched my head inside. My work is arguably quite creative but I also work in very conservative environments sometimes and although I don’t think of this as particularly weird, especially five years ago when rainbow-coloured hair was less commonplace, it definitely raised some eyebrows and drew some comments.
These days I hardly remember it’s there – it feels so much a part of me – but however small, it's undeniably a vital statement about who I am. Normally, I don’t really mind whether people like it or not, although it always makes me smile when others do seem to get a kick out of it. Some days it’s hardly even noticeable and I can tuck it out of sight all together if I’m going somewhere where I fear the PWI (Perceived Weirdness Index) will be too much for my clients. Although that rarely happens anymore. Ultimately, I do it for me.
One of the things that struck me this week, was how several people in the group mentioned this teal streak in my hair with appreciation, and how much I loved that they did. Somehow, it mattered to me that in this context the smallest of quirks felt accepted and was even enjoyed by others.
Two: Feeling at home in my space and my skin at the same time is still rare but so deeply satisfying when it happens.
Another thing this image triggered for me, is the fact that when it was taken, I was feeling truly at home in my space and my skin all at once. It’s a rare occurrence for me and I experienced that this week. With a bunch of strangers! That truly is a rare occurrence. I know I’ve met kindreds when that happens in the space of a couple of days and I can probably count on one hand the times in recent years when it has. This year I’ve already had a couple of those experiences. The trend is one I’m liking.
My recent trip to Costa Rica achieved that and the time I spend with the family of my heart always does that for me. But, pretty much most of the rest of the time, I feel a bit uncomfortable in both my space and my skin. When I do manage it the sunshine contributes, the setting contributes, the company contributes but mostly it has less to do with all of that, than what I feel about myself. Food for thought. What are the deeper, invisible things I need, to be able to inhabit myself so completely and comfortably? I have some hunches but I’ll have to get back with that.
Three: The power of my senses and sensations to connect me with my deepest emotions, and that I miss human touch.
The final thing, for now, is that when I look at this picture, I remember the physical sensations of the moment so vividly: the heat on my skin, the breeze, the sand underfoot, the sound and smell of the sea, and the tang of salt in my mouth. Not to mention the profound beauty of what I was seeing. I was stirred to tears by it all then and even now, as I recall it, I’m quite emotional. I was reminded this week of how being so absolutely and completely in the here and now can really connect me to my emotions in a way that I sometimes avoid and deflect and, even worse, don’t notice at all. This week… no chance of that. It was a week of sensory immersion and one of the things I experienced more than anything in a way that I almost never do, is the power of touch. Human touch. I realized that sometimes I can go months without it - not even a handshake. Hugs are rare. I’m generally not a hugger. Especially not with people who I'd consider strangers or barely acquaintances and that’s 99.9999999999999999 (recurring) % of the world . Even with some who I consider friends, I'm awkward when it comes to hugging. Most often I find hugs bestowed discomforting.
This week, hugs were unavoidable. It was a huggy group. And, actually, after the initial discombobulation they wrought, I enjoyed them. There is something about a well-timed and warmly shared hug that can be almost transformative. Perhaps I need to review my stance on hugs!
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