100 Day Project - Day Six

When there are many options open to you, and in my world there almost always are, how do you decide which direction to take or which thing to opt for? This question is my constant companion.

For some, even the question seems bizarre, let alone that it accompanies my every moment and precedes almost every move I make. To many people there’s always an obvious ‘right’ way and, rationally, no real problem with choosing it. These people have an ability to get the true power out of pro and con lists and see life’s crossroad moments in mostly binary terms. Direction is clear: there’s forwards or backwards, left or right, up or down. It’s simple. And then, having made the choice… off they go: moving determinedly down that path.

On some level, I’ve always envied them this world view and clarity. For me it’s seldom that obvious. In questionnaires that ask, “What’s you most used expression?” I always have to answer, “Well, it depends…”

For a long time, I felt broken. It seemed to me that everyone else had some secret I was not privy to. An internal setting for direction finding and decision making that I’d not found. On a large scale, why could I not identify my one true purpose, set a clear goal, and commit to moving from here to there? There were, and still are, so many things I enjoy. At a micro level, why was I not able to pick my favourite-favourite from the Quality Street tin or my top 5 songs or my top-5-anything?! I was pretty sure it wasn’t because I lacked opinions, or preferences or conviction, I have plenty of all of these. Too many sometimes. Too much, too many, lots of… these were my problems.

When I have to make “where to next?” decisions, I spend a lot of time pausing in the crossroads, surrounded by multiple paths, several of which usually look quite appealing to me. I will eventually pick one based on something that might seem quite arbitrary – a glimpse of something interesting around a far-off bend, or the fact that it just looks unlike a path I’ve walked before. Then of course once I head off down one route, there’s all that intriguing wild and uncharted territory, not on the path at all, that’s constantly calling my name. That usually tempts me more than anything and I do feel I’ve spent a lot of my life exploring and bumbling (often very happily) around in that space.

Now, more than half way through my life, I don’t feel broken anymore. I don’t feel lost. I do still struggle with the “where to next?” and “ how do I choose?” questions and I do feel a bit odd most of the time but I’m okay with that.

There are several things that it's helpful for me to remember at times like this:

~ I actually have a pretty good sense of direction and as long as I pause to take note of it, I really can’t get lost. Waylaid perhaps but, at worst, I can retrace my steps and choose another course. Or, just reorientate and keep going. I do seem to know, instinctively, where my true North is.
~ Maps can help but sometimes just forging my own path is more satisfying.
~ I enjoy the meander. I’m just not a straight-line-from-A-to-B sort of person. And that’s okay too.
~ Identifying, exploring and finding ways to accommodate all of my alter-egos makes a huge difference – multiple personalities, all me but each with different tastes and even different motivations!
~ My Nana’s words finally taking hold in me: “comparison is a waste of time and energy because everyone is different and there will always be people in a ‘better’ or ‘worse’ position relative to you”.
~ Lightbulb moment: who’s to decide what’s ‘better or worse’ relative to you, except you?!
~ I don’t need to choose a favourite-favourite. Of anything. There’s room for multiple favourites.
~ I’m not the only one. There are others like me and they’re not broken either. In fact, I’ve come across many of my favourite people in the world also wandering around in the undergrowth, off the path, with eclectic playlists and pockets full of mixed treasure.

All of this comes up for me now because I’m standing at a crossroads…