Fifty by fifty

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. 

I want to have lived the width of it as well.

Diane Ackerman

This year I reach my half-century milestone.

I haven't really watched its coming with anything more than vague amazement because I remember clearly as a teen thinking I would never reach it. But here it is... on the doorstep rather than the horizon.

I wondered a few years ago whether I would even want to mark its coming as anything more than any other turn in the wheel, but as it's drawn nearer I see that it's an opportunity - like any birthday, new calendar year, new season, new moon, new day, new moment - to reflect and respond to where I am at and where I may go next. Also, on how I will move from here to there. The why, how and what of those moves are all important to me. And, it is a milestone. Half of a century. Several people I've known did not made it this far so I feel that alone is reason to take pause. Surely a moment worthy of celebrating, to gather the learnings and consider the road ahead?

In general, I think I'm okay with it. I'm healthy and I'm thankful for that. Like many people who observe the impact on our bodies, I'm conscious that things are shifting and not always in ways that I enjoy the look and feel of. And not always in ways that project the vitality I feel and may be perceived at first glance, or are congruent with that. On the outside I'm greyer every day (the hair that I have left) and I am getting undeniably and rapidly wrinklier. I don't love it. I really don't love it. I don't hate it either though.

There is some challenge in dealing with how it manifests physically and perceptually in a world that seems to worship youthfulness (and this is a whole soapbox rant I will spare anyone here!) but I also can't remember a time when I've inhabited this skin more comfortably, more authentically, since I was a very young child. I do not feel fully realised but I do feel in flow towards realisation; in a state of perpetual motion that is both stretching and fulfilling simultaneously. And truly, I can't imagine ever 'getting there', even if I live another fifty years. For me, it really is about the journey that offers.

I've always said that I'd like to live without regret and, right here, at this milestone moment, I have no major regrets. Some choices perhaps that with hindsight, I might have approached differently but no real 'turn back the clock' desires.

My life is filled with people who care about me and who I love deeply. When I get to the end of this journey, I know it is the enriching quality of the relationships I've had and have that will be most meaningful to me. As they are now. In this, as in most things, I value quality over quantity but I feel I have an abundance of wonderful individuals who are in my posse. I look at the people who've taken me to their hearts and I am thankful. So thankful.

I also love the work I do. Although it's often not easy and there still feels like a way to go to achieve the levels of workload that would be a sweetspot between being actively engaged and overly committed, I count myself very fortunate to spend most days working with and supporting amazing people in incredible places on interesting and meaningful stuff. I'm challenged and stretched and that keeps me growing and evolving too, both personally and professionally. In fact, I can hardly distinguish between the personal and professional now (nor do I want to) and that is no small thing. I was striving and struggling to find that sort of integration for so long and although it brings challenges of its own, I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm not sure how long I will do this, like this, but for now, it suits me well and again, I am thankful to have found it.

This is not to say that there are not things that peeve and pester me daily in the world at large; thing that hurt and upset me and even things that outrage me. I am not ignoring the impact or importance of these but, really, I feel so overwhelmingly fortunate.

So, given all that, what lies ahead? Towards the end of last year and around my birthday, I went through my usual ritual of reflection. This is a sense-and-respond exercise, which includes looking at my rolling 'life list' to remove the things I've done (or changed my mind about wanting to do!) and adding things that I've decided need to be on it. Normally it's fairly randomly arranged and, as things come and go, it evolves quite organically but this time I considered how I might prioritise some of the things on it so that they help me mark this year.

Which is how I've come up with my 50by50 list. Some things were already on the list and some have been added for this year specifically. I will not be sharing the whole list here or subjecting everyone to a blow-by-blow account of how it plays out. #50 on the list though is, "Document this process – keep a journal of the 50by50 journey" and one of the places I will do some of that is here. I've missed spending time in this, one of my happy places in the virtual world and so it seems like a good incentive to start showing up here again more regularly.

I will not be tackling the list in any particular order and some things may combine in execution. I can see, for example, how #13 "Take JG (my mother) somewhere on her bucket list" and #15 "Go to at least three places in the UK that I haven’t been to yet." might overlap.

This week I started to take action on #19 on the list too, "Buy a lottery ticket at least once a month." The reason for this new inclusion is twofold:

I know firsthand what a profound impact the lottery funding makes for the great community projects (in the UK and abroad) that some of the money raised goes to support and I like that. In the last financial year this one funding organisation alone redistributed over £1 billion to projects with a social mission and they only have responsibility for 40% of the money raised by the National Lottery for good causes. Agencies that specialise in funding art, cultural and sporting projects redistribute the other 60% between them. I donate to several other causes more directly on a monthly basis but this is now going to be one of them.

The second reason for this choice is that I want to consciously invite some elements of chance and random luck into my life. This feels like one small, safe and fun way to do that. If I happen to win enough to buy a tiny island in the equatorial zone (or even go on holiday there this year) that would be fine too. I would bear it. And I would share it. I bought two tickets this week, one for the National lottery (to be drawn tonight) and one for the Euromillions lottery (drawn on Wednesday). I won £34.90. My nett winnings to-date, £30.90. The Costa Rica/Bora Bora fund is already looking much healthier!

The list includes several other things - large and small in scale - that I will pursue over the year. The one I'm going to start tackling today is #25 "Read at least 10 new books from countries other than the UK, SA or USA". I'm not limiting this to non-English-language writers but it has been a long time since I've read much in translation and, last year, not one that I am aware of. Needs to be rectified. I like the difference in perspective, style and sensibility that writers from other countries bring to their work and therefore, to my world.

Today I am going to start compiling the list and put out feelers for recommendations so, if anyone has anything to suggest, please feel free. All ideas most welcome.

As for the rest... watch this space!