Looking and leaping

This little guy came to live with me a few years ago. Just after my husband left me. I remember at the time thinking that my emotional and material state was just as precarious.  I felt almost completely untethered and terrified by what the future held. That he was balanced there, on the edge of his little precipice but not falling, was a sign of how close to the edge I was myself. And the fact that I hadn't fallen into the abyss yet either was something to cling to. A sign to just hold on... with my toes if necessary. Not to fall.

Over the years he has come to signify the move away from that state. A steady progress from dangling to standing. I would look at him, perched on top of my fridge, and it would remind me that I was doing okay, compared to that. I liked seeing him there.

Now, I find that he's signalling something slightly different again...

I'm standing on the brink of yet another huge life-shift, this one of my own choosing. And although my state is, again, every bit as precarious, it's strange how different I feel about it this time. Terrified? Yes. Not too strong a statement to say that in those two to four o'clock in the morning hours I'm scared witless. It's risky. It may fail. I may fail. I may fall instead of fly. I have no guarantees, no safety net, and no-one to blame but myself if it all goes horribly wrong. The scaredycat in me is large and loud.

It's too late now to step back though. I am standing with one foot out over the edge and the momentum of actions already taken, carrying me forward into the space. And... I am certain that from this place, where I am now, holding on by my toes is not good enough or the right thing to do. I probably definitely could have done with a bit more time to build my wings but I don't have more time. And if I really want to change my lifestyle, my life, I need to be prepared to let go of solid ground for a while. If I hadn't taken the opportunity now, I might never have carved out the space, gathered the energy or worked up the courage again. I have to leap.

So here I go... I am hoping there'll be some thermal updrafts to help support my initial free-fall, and that the lightness of my heart when I think of what I'm leaving behind will help me float some... Of course I'm going to be making some inflight adjustments and I'll be flapping my wings hard too. I know it will be difficult and I am sure I'll get tired and just want to give up sometimes. But I won't. This little man, poised on the edge, stepping with purpose into the space, will be a reminder to me once more, not to give up. In a different way though.

I've moved him from the fridge into my work space. He sits on the windowsill here and when I look at him now he makes me think not of falling or holding on, but of letting go... of trusting the heart and head combination that has steered me here. Of looking and leaping.

As of the 18th of September 2012 I am, officially, self-employed.


P.S. Just as an aside... the rock he's standing on is a piece from my Home, and yesterday was my lovely Aunt Leila's Birthday. I didn't plan it that way - the date - but after I'd written this, those two things occurred to me and I think that they too are significant. A reminder of my deep and supportive roots and relationships. I tell you... I'm seeing signs everywhere. Supportive, affirmative signs. I know it's my mind filtering the universe for what I want to see. But, at this point, I'm going with it being a good thing.