Alone?!

Sometimes life is too hard to be alone, and sometimes life is too good to be alone.

Elizabeth Gilbert

Inevitably people have been asking me what my plans are for this sabbatical time. This makes me smile inside because it assumes that there is a plan. It's a reasonable assumption to make. Who in their right mind embarks on something like this without a plan? If only they knew how hard I've been resisting the urge to plan it all out, step by step, month by month, and how freeing it is not to have to. Planning too rigidly would defeat the point of the exercise, the aim of which is relaxation, restoration and exploration. That's the plan. Of course, I have ideas about how I might achieve this. I even have an itinerary for the first three months. But after that...

My stock response is now something to the effect of, "I'm planning to hang out with family and friends, enjoying their company with no pressure to move on; travel some; swim in warm seas; take regular, leisurely walks on beaches and mountainsides, and (at least initially) sit for long periods staring at the horizon until my head clears. Then, who knows? I'll see where the wind takes me..." Almost without exception people have been lovely about this*. They've been thrilled for me, excited, supportive and encouraging. Some have said they're envious (but without the resentment typical of jealousy) and some have said they admire me for making it happen when they wouldn't have the courage to. Funny, 'cause it never occurred to me before that it was about being brave but I guess it's not the norm, and to many that is equivalent to courage. They've asked questions about the whats, wheres and whens. And, at some point, also almost without exception, people have asked, "Are you going to be doing all this alone?!"

Err, yes. Yes, I am. 

At first this question really took me by surprise, coming as it did from someone who knows me quite well, knows my personal circumstances and that I am alone, in the sense that I don't have a partner. But then, as I say, almost everyone has, at some point, asked.

I don't have any problem with people asking. I don't even have any problem answering in the affirmative. I guess my problem is with why they might think I wouldn't (is there an implied shouldn't?) be doing it alone. Because really, this is a very personal journey and frankly, what are my options? I am alone. So should I wait until I might, one day, meet someone who might travel this path with me. Or should I not do it at all because doing it alone is too awful to imagine? I don't know. I can only speculate at what their reasoning might be. The incredulous tone with which the question is posed is often a clue though.

It has come up so frequently, especially in the past two or three weeks, that it's had me thinking about this whole "alone" thing again. How do I feel about doing this by myself? Is it easier? In some ways, yes. Is it harder? In some ways, yes.

I didn't anticipate that I would be alone at this point in my life. I sometimes find it incredibly difficult to deal with. Not having someone to share even the small everyday stuff with, let alone the bigger, more challenging things is not great. Sharing the load would be great. There have been times when not having someone close to bounce ideas off, turn to for comfort or counsel, talk through a plan (or non-plan) with, or even just share a regular holiday or meal with, feels indescribably hard. Other times when I can't imagine ever making the compromises necessary to accommodate that kind of sharing again.

Alone doesn't always mean, lonely. Although sometimes it does.

I think the hardest thing isn't having no-one around to share in the tough stuff. The hardest thing by far is not having someone to share in the good stuff. And I don't mean just the significant events - weddings, birthdays, holidays, project completions, promotions... it's the little everyday moments too. And someone to witness the passing of the days, my days. Someone who would know how I like to take my morning tea, that I'm wearing turquoise sparkly polish on my toes under my socks and boots, that I find Spring blossom so beautiful it brings me to tears, that I wake up in the middle of the night full of anxiety but that just a hug would help me back to sleep because I am deeply certain that this is the right thing to do. Someone who would know how not having a detailed plan right now is both the scariest and most exciting thing for me, ever. 

Alone?! Yes. Perhaps unfortunately so. But am I doing it anyway? Yes. Fortunately so.

*also surprising how there have been a couple of quite opposite reactions - really horrible and undermining responses. In one instance from someone I would never have imagined would react so unpleasantly. Questioning me is one thing. No problem with that. I value the balanced view it sometimes gives me. But suggesting that I am being frivolous, irresponsible, making the biggest mistake of my life, is another. Hurtful. I choose not to dwell on this because I honestly think it's more about them than about me but it has surprised me.