This morning, after receiving warm wishes from friends and talking to my family long-distance in the early hours, I walked along the canal in the fog and listened to the hush; the crunch of the light snow underfoot all I could hear. It was magical. And peaceful. And lonely. The distance suddenly amplified.
Others had walked and cycled some of the path before me and I saw a couple a little way ahead in the mistiness, but I didn't pass anyone. Wrapped in cloud and silence, it felt then as if I was all alone in the world. I'd be lying if I denied the sadness that welled up and brought tears to the surface, but as the quiet sank in I was struck by how beautiful and special the moment was too.
I like to think that the universe has granted me my first white Christmas (albeit it a light dusting of snow and frost) to ease the hurt of my first Christmas alone and to mark this milestone with a special touch. And it worked. The beauty and stillness filled me up and connected me to the ground and to the sky and to all the love that fills my world, every day, not only on this day. And I felt truly thankful.
Now I'm sitting on my sofa, with a cup of spiced chai and a mince pie for elevenses and I feel okay. Content even. In the moment. Although I'm alone still I don't feel lonely anymore. And that makes all the difference.
Perhaps, as she often does, the universe knew better than I what I needed and she gave it to me - quiet, peace, a clean slate, a fresh start, time to relax, connection to now... these are rarely found in my world, so these are the gifts I will embrace. Embrace and enjoy. With thanks.
And I hope that whatever gifts your heart most needed today, they are yours...
♥
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16 comments:
that is wonderful Kenda. I used to walk and walk in the forest last fall and winter, and I would feel sad but also blessed to be alone in those moments. I would ask questions in my head and the answers seemed to show themselves to me in my beautiful surroundings. They were dark times, but so beautiful and sacred. I completely connect to this post.
Christmas alone is not for the faint of heart, but on the other hand it is just another day isn't it? And so often we miss the simplest beauties of Christmas day by heaping gifts and food and binding traditions onto it. You definitely opened a special gift from the Universe while many others sat in front of cheese dips and fruit cakes gorging themselves. And people all over the world at parties and dinners felt lonely right when you did.
I am just really impressed with your strength and grace. Merry Christmas Kenda.
xox
Sheila
I haven't walked outside Christmas eve since I was young - thanks for stirring the memories. Merry Christmas.
I've been divorced for a very long while now, but it hasn't been so long ago that I spent my first Christmas alone. I'm not sure that the word difficult even comes close to how it felt, I didn't realize I could reach those depths of feeling sorry for myself. I picked my sorrowful self up and went to help at a local food kitchen helping to feed those who hadn't the means to do it themselves. The blessings I gained from that experience are with me still today. The tough times pass, things change, and life moves forward...filled with blessings we could never imagine. I hope yours are abundant, and may you feel them all the year through.
No, you aren't alone. And yes, the universe gave you the beauty, serenity and magic of snow.
Merry, merry Christmas my dear friend!
Your post speaks to me deeply, Kenda, and brought a tear or two. Echoing Sheila, I am also impressed with your strength and grace. Merry Christmas, dear.
Soft and silent snow photos. Very, very nice. I love the muted colors that come with that sort of weather and a quiet day. Remember you have MANY friends out here in blog land that wish the best for you.
Kenda I have been thinking of you all day. Your walk sounds peaceful and on any other day I would have loved a solitary walk in the snow. You are indeed a strong person making the best of a situation. A positive way to look at it (and I'm sure I don't need to remind you)is that you are postponing your celebrations for when you get back to SAfrica to spend time with your family. What a wonderful thought! Have you started the countdown?
I am a little envious of your solitude actually- Not the "lonely" feeling so much but I rarely feel that even if I am utterly alone- imaginary friends, multiple personalities, and voices in my head, you understand...I hope that your day is soft - comforting somehow...know that you are LOVED gobs- maybe not the right sort of love that you yearn for for love just the same...One thing that will most certainly take your mind off of feeling sadness is to eat tons of bad for you stuff, you will get a headache and a tummy ache and think of nothing else but perhaps surviving this discomfort...I know this to be true...LOVExxxooo
Well done!
A white Christmas just for you! And you are not alone-in spirit-we are all there eating your mince pies with you and having Christmas fun!
Lots of love for the day!
Sarah xx
Dearest Kenda,
Thank you so much for your wonderful and warming words that you left for me yesterday. I wish you also a merry Christmas, even though it's almost over now. So even more so a wonderful happy New Year, may it bring you everything you wish for!
I can literally feel the stillness and the cold crisp air as I read this; and the loneliness easing away into something entirely more serene. I think we all have it in us, if only we allowed ourselves to trust in that (and I am one to speak, as you know!). I think you can also feel very proud for releasing yourself into the moment.
I was just trying to remember if I ever had a Christmas on my own and I don't think so. I have worked plenty of Christmases but that's of course different. However, I sometimes experience this crushing sense of loneliness when I am all by myself at the hotel during our quiet period. It's like this heavy melancholy that descends on me, very peculiar. I never had that when I lived in Europe.
Anyway, your beautiful spirit carried you through this and now I am really looking forward to the New Year as that means your visit to the US is coming closer!
Sending you much love, Kxo
Thank you for sharing these beautiful pictures with us - I think I feel the peace and quiet ... I like the idea of a clean slate - we can all do with that sometimes, at least in some areas of our lives!
Hi dear one. I'm always surprised by the way you can turn things for the better for yourself. What a strenght! You are a beautiful person you know that?
And I wish for you all the best dances in the world Dancing Lady.
May the sky be always Painted for you my friend.
Hugs Dagmar
here is what I love about this post: the image of the footprints (man and beast) prove we are never alone. it's just beautiful.
(and how much do I love that the word verification is "unway"?)
I love this post. I know about feeling lonely. I know about wanting to embrace it and wanting to make it go away all at the same time.
I still think that being lonely by yourself is OK. Being lonely in a relationship is not! Remember all of your blog friends and know that you are NOT alone!
Beautiful snow photos! I hope we get a little snow in the southern US this year!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
i am glad you did your walk, it was magical even though silent. sometimes i do believe the heartstrings must be played even if the tune is a mix of bittersweet. i do believe that when i am nervous or not sure of my place , my walks reveal the best of nature and i too believe it is put in front of me to help me get through it and bring me back to the moment itself!
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