Winds of change...

Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.

Sydney J. Harris

(1917-1986)

Life is its own journey, presupposes its own change and movement, and one tries to arrest them at one's eternal peril.

Laurens van der Post

(1906-1996)

Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights.

Pauline R. Kezer

(1942)

Today I took a deep breath and submitted an application for a new job.

There, it's said. And done.

I love the field I'm in (learning and development) and the organisation I work for (charitable and voluntary - or 3rd - sector), so have been reluctant to take this step. However, for a while now my specific role has been causing me considerable stress and anxiety, as a result of some pretty fundamental differences between me and my manager.

I've been very fortunate with managers in my career to-date (especially when I was self-employed!) and until about two years ago, when I took on this role permanently, had never had to work with or for someone I neither like personally, nor respect professionally. Either one without the other is still workable but both together have presented a challenge. One which I am now ready to admit has defeated me. I can't do it anymore. I truly believe I have tried everything I am capable of to make it work but have found myself fighting hard (and almost daily of late) to prevent my integrity being compromised, and I feel that I have lost the will to fight this fight any longer. I am of course responsible for my own performance and always will be, but operating within the boundaries of my authority and control over this, I am no longer willing to play on this team. My colleagues are all lovely and I will be sad to leave them but I cannot work for someone who apparently doesn't subscribe to an ethos of learning and development despite managing a department designed to foster and facilitate it, whose standards are low and yet expectations unrealistic. My association with this approach is wearing me down and I can't remember a time I have ever felt so demotivated.

It's quite difficult for me to admit this as I see it as something of a personal failing that I've not been able to turn it around but it's not just a matter of mismatched styles, and when underpinning values are so misaligned I think it's inevitable that something will eventually give way. I've decided that my life's too short to batter myself against this particular wall any longer.

A little while ago I began scanning for other positions but with things being what they are with the economy and the parameters I placed on what I'm looking for, there are few options out there. Then last week this role came up in another division of the organisation I already work for and I decided that I'd explore it a bit further. It's a little out of my comfort zone, although not entirely unrelated to previous experience or what I am currently doing, but something I'm excited by and motivated to stretch into, given the opportunity. So I approached the recruiting manager to discuss my options and was encouraged by his response to give it a go. Competition will be fierce and I am under no illusion that I will walk into it, or even be shortlisted and invited to interview. But it doesn't really matter. By submitting the application I have acknowledged 'out loud' to myself that the current situation is untenable for me and taken action to change it. It might be the first step of many zillion I need to take before I achieve what I am seeking but the first step is often the hardest for me. Weird, I have no problem acting on behalf of others, unlocking their potential and committing to and investing in their career development journeys, but for myself? Not always so easy.

Anway, it's been a manic week for me so I was up most of last night preparing the application in time for the submission closing today but, as I hit that 'submit' button this afternoon, I simultaneously felt a weight lift and yet more grounded than I have in a long time. Even as I write this and put it out into the world where it gains substance by being released from my head into words on a screen, I feel more buoyant but steady. It's difficult to describe. Of course, on Monday and for the foreseeable future, I will still have to function in the same circumstances and if this internal role does not pan out, I have the rigours of a full external job search ahead (which is never fun) but somehow I think it'll feel better now that I have taken back even a smidgeon of control. Tiny steps. Tiny steps. One at a time...

In the meantime, wherever you are, whatever you're up to, I wish you a very happy Friday!

♥

P.S. still time to enter the book giveaway as today is the closing date for that too - when October 9th is no longer a reality anywhere on our little blue planet. I have not been around as much as usual this week but have been loving every single submission (thank you!) and will be announcing the winner over the weekend...