Ingredients for soothing the stinging soul

We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.

e.e. cummings

(1894-1962)

Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul.
Oscar Wilde
(1854-1900)

I arrived home last night to an email from the HR department, referring to the interview last week, which begins "Regrettably...".

So, at last the waiting's over. That's a relief. I'm not at all surprised by the outcome at this stage. As I said before, I think good news would have been quickly and easily communicated. I am surprised and disappointed with how it's been handled though - keeping me waiting for so long beyond the time I was told I'd have to wait and then sending an impersonal email via an HR advisor instead of making a phonecall or finding the five minutes it would have taken to meet with me (the person in question sits one floor up - a very short flight of stairs away from my office - and is someone I've always respected). Or even - at the very least - sending a quick note himself. None of these things would have been a breach of protocol. And to me, would have been the decent thing to do. I appreciate that it's not an easy conversation but we are colleagues, which to me counts for something. I would not treat someone this way and I'd hoped for better. Still, what works for me, clearly does not work for him. C'est la vie.

I'd be lying if I said I was not upset at the outcome either. I knew it was a bit of a long shot but I really fancied the role. As well as stretching myself into new territory (which is something I relish) I believe I have the necessary "transferrable skills" and experience, would have done an excellent job, and been able to contribute something really meaningful. I would not have applied if I'd thought otherwise.

I haven't had any feedback from the interview yet and I look forward to that as it'll help clarify things for me. I was encouraged to apply even though they knew I was not a perfect match and I think it'd have been a great opportunity for me but also a great opportunity for the organisation to do more than pay lip-service to valuing and seeking to better utilise and develop its employees. However, on the day, there was obviously a much better matched candidate and I can't really blame them for going with that.

I am still a little frustrated with a corporate and individual management mentality that limits people to doing only what they have done before though, and I believe partly that's what's happened here. If it were true of me (and most people) we'd never have grown and developed to where we are now and will never grow and develop beyond where we are now. To me that's very sad. I'm a bit old school when it comes to recruitment in that I believe that if someone is able to demonstrate at least the minimum competencies (and according to my annual appraisal scores I am not just meeting but exceeding those), has the right attitude and a capacity and willingness to learn... they are as equipped for the role as someone who's done something like it before, and should be given the opportunity to take it on. I know this might sound a little like sour grapes but it's not intended to. I am not just talking about my situation here. I've seen the same thing happen time and again to others too. People with obvious potential stifled because they are not given a chance to show what they can do. On the other hand I've seen how people can grow and flourish if someone just takes a leap of faith and gives them an opportunity they are willing to grasp. Yes it's true that it might involve a little more effort and a little more support initially (and dare I say, managerial courage?) but in my experience that's so worth it. It's a beautiful thing to observe. And it's a beautiful thing to experience.

I've been lucky enough to have people take that gamble on me in the past and I am so thankful for it. As a result, I've enjoyed many adventures of professional and personal discovery and I have all the experience and skills I have now because of it. And I'm convinced that there are adventures still to be had for me. I'm nevertheless sad that this organisation, that I have given heart and soul to over the past few years, is not prepared to take that leap for me. And unfortunately, there are fewer and fewer organisations that are. "Play it safe" and wrap it up in red tape is more and more the way to go now it seems. I worry about what this means for our future workforce and leadership.

I know that for some work is work - a means to another end - which is absolutely fine. I believe strongly that we are not defined by what we do to earn a wage and pay the bills. What one does is not who one is. I get that. But for me, what I do is so integral to who I am. It is heart driven. I am heart driven. If my heart's not in it, I can't give it my all. And if I can't give it my all, I don't want to do it for any longer than I have to. So, the challenge for me now is how to find a new place for my heart (and all that brings with it in the way of professional skills and experience). I am a little tired of the struggle and it hurts that this organisation don't value that (and it doesn't match what they say on the door) but once I have moved past the hurt, it'll be okay. I will be okay. I have bouncebackability! And surely someone out there will want an employee with both head and heart to offer?

In the meantime, I'll do other things to help soothe the sting. I'll eat chocolate; I'll read lovely books that uplift and inspire; I'll connect with loved ones and kindred spirits in the real and online world; I'll play with paper and glue, my camera and my "new" computer; I'll walk along the canals and breathe in the smell of leaves and bonfires and wet earth; I'll snuggle up and avoid the cold and dark; I'll write... and I'll probably shed a couple more tears (I did burst into tears last night after I read the email, even though I was expecting the news it brought - weird. Not immediately, but later when I was thinking about what it means to me, the tears just came up and washed over me and I let them. They probably help too.) Most of all, I won't let it crush me. I still have my day job to do. That's going to be quite hard today.

Chocolate truffle anyone?